A snippet of my life

Hello everyone & thankyou for taking time to read this :) 

*WHILE READING THIS, keep in mind throughout everything I say my dad lived a double life. This is who he really was at home behind closed doors but he was a very professional man and looked up to by many people. He held down a job for most of these 9 years he was with my mum. Nobody suspected he was a drug addict. 

Growing up, I obviously didn't understand my parents were drug users. They had an extremely violent relationship, my Mum suffers from borderline personality disorder due to her violent childhood and problematic past with a schizophrenic Mother and a Father who was an alcoholic and manic depressive. They too had a very violent relationship. My mum was put into foster care and seperated from her brothers, some of her brothers undergoing sexual abuse and grooming from their new foster carers. My mum fell pregnant in her childrens home At the age of 13 with my brother. She was moved into a mother and baby unit where she maintained another violent relationship with my brothers Dad. Her son (my brother) was taken into care at the age of 2 and grew up not knowing my Mum. 

When my Mum moved to London, she got a job in a pub. She's a very beautiful woman and used to attract a lot of attention (still does lol). This is where she met my Dad, serving him a beer in the pub. Within 3 months of knowing my Dad, she fell pregnant with me. As soon as I was born we were given a small flat which I still live in to this day.  My parents loved me, my dad thought the world of me as I was his first child. I had a special bond with both parents. My dads brother was into cocaine at the time, and told my dad to try it. They became hooked on this, and my Dad was quick to get my Mum to try it too. Soon enough they were both using cocaine, my mum had been a drug user all her life since being in a childrens home and took things like speed, ecstasy, acid (party drugs). My dad soon got bored of the high from cocaine and started taking much more harder drugs. He  was secretly doing crack and heroin, and would hide his pipes and crack under our kitchen sink. he would tell me to go out the room or he would go out of the room and do it, never in front of me or not that I can remember. as a child I obviously didn't know he was taking crack, but I remember vividly thinking he looked like a skeleton as his eyes were always so drawn out of the sockets and huge, his face drawn in and his ribs were showing and stuff like that.

My mum and dad fought every single day a lot of times (not just once a day) for the 9 years they were together. Always they fought infront of me and this really mentally scarred me. I developed a "thing" where i wouldn't fall asleep unless my mum was on the inside of the bed and me on the outside as I felt this is where she was safe and he couldn't get to her as I was protecting her. I would listen to the sound of her eyelashes while she was trying to put me to sleep and try and listen for her blinking to see if she was still awake - if she blinked I wouldn't sleep as I knew she would then get up and leave and I was scared they would fight and I wouldn't be there to protect her. She hit my dad too, but for some reason I always felt as a child like I needed to protect my mum. I remember things such as my dad stabbing her back with a broken torch repeatedly and leaving cuts that looked like rings on her back and blood everywhere. Anyway, My mum eventually found out about his habit, and came out of the bath when he wasn't expecting her to because she forgot her towel  and she caught him smoking his crack pipe next to the kitchen sink on the floor in the corner. For some reason I  didn't realise what he was doing was a bad thing and didn't think to tell my Mum he did this sometimes. She hit him and hit him they had a really huge fight and my mum threatened to leave if he didn't stop, as her brother was now a crack and heroin addict himself and in and out of jail. she didn't want me to grow up with a Father on that as she knew what it does to people. She took me and we went to stay with friends of hers, my Dad was very possessive And jealous over my mum and would follow us everywhere. I remember leaving the friends house we was staying at, my dad being outside keeping watch on the flat we was staying at to see if he could spot my mum to attack her. We left the house to go to another friends  in a taxi and had to get down low on the floor of the car so he didnt see us. We passed my dads car in the taxi without him spotting us and I remember me and my mum laughing and very happy because we did it. He eventually got to us at another friends we were staying at, and attacked my mum in the lady's house. This is where I had a panic attack and started to experience these a lot !! They diagnosed me with asthma soon after. 

My dad then realised he didn't want to lose the Mother of his child and his daughter. He became very depressed and my mum agreed to stay with him in the flat again and that he was going to get help and they were going to work things out. Obviously, this didn't happen and they still fought like normal everyday. My mum threatened to leave again, and this time my Dad decided to give her a break for awhile, get space from eachother and to show her he was getting himself help. He actually joined the army, where he spent 6 months in Iraq. Now I am older I have learnt that he was actually still taking drugs in the army! But i think it was just cocaine? I'm not sure if a crack and heroin user can jump from that back to Coke though. But he was still taking hard drugs for sure. Once my dad came back home from being in the war, he was very mentally damaged due to excessive drug taking and seeing so much violence. This made him so much more violent.

While high with his brother, his brother let slip that my Mum had actually been sleeping with him  (the one that got him into Coke in the beginning) while my dad was away in iraq. This created such a big problem and where he completely spiralled out of control. He was just crazy and so much more violent towards her than he had ever been and used to try and kill his brother often. He did never want to leave my Mum though because he loved her and she was the Mother of his child. Their relationship was so unhappy and violent, my mum began seeking love from other people as she was so down. She needs to feel loved constantly with her mental illness and has a fear of abandonment. She got a job as a dental nurse, which my dad hated, and began seeing the barber that worked next door to her work. When my dad learnt this, he threw me and my mum out of a moving car and did lots of crazy violent things. The difference now though was that my Mum was in love with this barber as he was so kind and nice to her. She began careless for my dad, and actually left him and told him it was over. He then slit his wrists in front of me and said "Look!! This is what your Mum does!!!" And ended up in hospital for his injuries. He didn't die but he almost did, he lost so much blood. 

my dad took me away from my mum and kept me in a flat with another woman who was his girlfriend. he used to hit her so much too and bit a chunk out of her once. During this time I was being bullied at school, because he had cut off all my hair and made me have very short hair like a boy. I was very sad and didn't want to go to school because of the nasty girls but didn't want to be at that flat even more To hear anymore arguments! My dad was still using drugs so he used to sleep till very late the next morning, but used to drop me to school because didn't want me to go anywhere alone incase I tried to go and be with my mum as I missed her so much and used to keep a diary of the busses that go to where she lived with her boyfriend . so he used to drop me to school, which meant I was always late as he was on drugs and struggled to wake Up. he used to take me on the back of his motorbike to school lol, now looking back at how dangerous that is !! 

i was very rebellious when I started secondary school, and started a school near where the flat was my dad was keeping me. I was so naughty in school and tried to fit in. I got permenantly excluded in the first term of year 7, and there was only one other school that would take me. I was now getting older and rebelled a lot more towards. My dad and wanted to see my mum, so social services got involved again (they were around a lot but my dad would always listen to me whilst talking to them so I couldn't incriminate him) and this time I said I wanted to see my mum and got to see her on a tuesday and a thursday for a couple of hours.  One Tuesday, i was so excited to go and see my mum, but it was my dad outside of the school gates waiting for me (at my new school now). 

he attacked me on the road near my school, and I actually then ran off to the police station which was close by. I told them what happened, they called my mum and she came and got me as it was her day after all, and I just told them my dad had attacked me so he was out of the question... i pressed charges against my dad and had to face him in court and say what he had done, he had a good defence and said I was young and lying and etc. He won that case, but they now understood I wants to be with my mum. i got to live with her, I let everyone know I didn't want anything to do with my dad , and we moved back into the flat I lived in since I was born with her boyfriend staying else where but still being around. I didn't like him at first because I wanted my mum all to myself but I grew to LOVE him. He was so kind and took care of her and me. I was really messed in the head by this point, and started to just be a naughty young girl. I was hanging around with the wrong crowd, was a victim of attempted rape and put myself in very dangerous situations. My mum couldn't deal with this and we then began to argue a lot and our house was always filled with depressive moods and crying non stop. She began to wonder why she even wanted me back in the first place! 

I got myself into a relationship which lasted for 5 years. I thought I was in love, became so attatched to this person and started to live with him without my mums approval. She was so sad to see me building a life that seemed to be a little similar to hers and thought history was repeating itself as this guy was often violent towards me, cheated so much  and etc. It was an unhappy, unhealthy relationship in which I put on so much weight. 

Eventually, after 5 years my ex woke up one morning and told me he no longer loved me and was in love with someone else and told me he never wanted to see me again, get out and she began to live with him. He lived just a couple roads away from me and I would see them together. This was my first real heartbreak and I started to self harm and went down a really bad path smoking weed constantly to find a high to escape the reality ! 

my mum finds it difficult with her illness to express love towards me and can't hug me or anything like that. So this time was really hard for me but it made me such a strong person as I had to build up myself independently and find inner strength on my own. i found a job with an apprenticeship  I started and occupied myself with working lots of hours and going to the gym. Eventually, I finally moved on which was such a great feeling. 

 

Now, I am almost 18 and i am holding down a job as a nursery nurse.  I am in such a happy relationship with someone that treats me so lovely and is a very positive person, different to anyone I've ever had in my life before. I am struggling with my weight to try lose all the weight gained from my previous relationship, but have been trying to maintain a healthy life style. I actually suffer from borderline personality disorder myself, and this is probably due to watching all the actions of my Mum and going through lots of violence As a child. my dad still takes heroin and crack, and looks worse than ever. my mum stopped doing hard core drugs when she met her new boyfriend, but smokes weed every single day (a lot of it) as a substitute. Her boyfriend had cancer but beat it, so he doesn't even smoke cigarettes anymore. I've tried to cut down a lot with weed myself with help from the positivity I get from my new relationship. I'm grateful for everything I've been through even though it was tough at the time because I've matured and learnt so much from it. 

God bless you all and thankyou for reading :) 

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