Can someone help me? Tired, angry, sad, confused

Hi everyone...

I read about this wonderful site online while searching for ways to cope with an alchoholic mother... 


Firstly, a bit about myself..

I Live in South Africa, (no we dont run around with lions or any weird stuff you might think. we're actually very much like people in the UK.. just mostly Afrikaans (One of our South African languages)

now for the reason I'm here... 

my mom is an alchoholic... let me start at the beginning..

when I went with my family for our December vacation when I was 17, one random day, my dad told me "dont let your mom walk to the shop alone" ... i was like.... "why?" and he randomly said, "because she is going to buy alchohol." I WAS SHOCKED. 

so apperantly this has been going on since she was only 18 years old.. 

I have always wonderd why she sometimes smelled funny, or acted droopy-like?

then it all started to make sense....

I was shocked, heartbroken, confused.. and I realised... there were times where she would look "funny" to me while DRIVING me and my friends somewhere...or even back from school!!! what kind of mother would do that? put her own child in danger???

Im 20 years old now. I'm still studying at a college near my home, so Im still home each day while my dad and brother is at work. my mom only works half a day, so I see her each afternoon.... So I'M the one seeing her drunk, falling on the floor, messing up the food, losing all of her personal higene.. I started hating her. I acted violent and aggressive (with my way of speaking to her). there were so many nights that I would just cry for 8 hours straight. She drinks vodka, cane, and any spirit-like alcohol liquid that you wont easily smell. Now my boyfriend and all his friends love vodca and cane... he knows about my mother and he's luckily not a heavy drinker.. but everytime I smell the vodca or cane,,, i get sick to my stomach. She has been in and out of 4 rehab clinics.. it was hard.. I was busy with exams and had to cook and clean the house and sort of "be the mother" while preparing for my final exams. I started feeling anxious... and weird, and then when I went to the doctor, he put me on anti-depressants!! i was 17 years old and on anti-depressants!!!!! everyone that knows me, knows im the most bubbly, talkative, honest about my feelings, happy, funny, love life, person!! so how could I need anti-depressants?? it was very hard for me to accept that I needed them to cope with the frustration and inside-battle I didnt even feel like I was mind didnt realise it, buut my body showed it. 

My mom has a very low self-asteem... when she and my dad got together 32 years ago, she was (and still is) a people-pleaser... so practically she let my dad (in a sense) walk over her. she didnt stand up for herself so my dad never knew that some of the stuff he said to her, would actually hurt her, so he never learned to act a bit more sensitive to her. if we yell at her for drinking, she just drinks more. if we dont say anything, she also just drinks. she can have a normal glass of wine with us and friends, but then she will dissapear into her beddroom, and drink a half of bottle vodka CLEAN!!!! I honestly dont understand... its obvious that she is highly depressed...but what can we do? she has been to the best psycologists in <name removed by moderator>, had a anti-alchohol cip inplanted... and nothing works. she still doesnt think that she has a problem... but it affects me so much.. I dont have a normal "hey lets go shopping, or lets go have coffee, or lets watch a movie and tell secrets" type of mother at all.. 

We are a normal family, not extremely rich, and not poor. I have my own car, we have a big family.. and I'm happy. She has everything she could possibly want in life... my dad pays SO much money for the rehabs and help...but it doesnt work... the worst day for me,,, was once when my mom was in rehab, me and my dad were alone at home, and I heard something weird...when I walked into the dad...the toughest man i know, my rock, my hero....layed on his arms and cried... he shook so hard from crying... it was the hardest thing I have ever had to see... the man of the house, broken...


any advice...?