This is something I wrote down on a piece of paper the other day hoping that one day I could show my younger brother who hasn't seen our mum since he was three.
You and me have never talked about mum but maybe we will one day when you're ready. I don't blame you for not asking questions but I can sense that now you're getting older there might come a time when you want some answers. You were so little when mum still took care of you and I'm sure you can't remember what she was like. It's easier to remember the bad bits even for me but some of her good sides which I think I've got from her and remember her doing were the warm cuddles and 'sniffing' our hair, her nice home cooked meals, her witty jokes often done in silly voices, her love for dogs and long walks on the beach looking for Amber stones on the south coast of Sweden where we lived. She adored you her only son and I have many warm memories of her cuddling you and making you laugh.
All of this won't make up for her drinking and loosing custody of you. It broke my heart seeing her distraught and drinking even more after realising she wouldn't see you again but at least I stayed in your life and we developed a strong bond all those years ago. You're now nearly 19 and I'm proud of who you've become. There are endless stories I could tell you about our mum and one day I hope we can talk about her or you could meet her yourself. I know you might not want to and I respect that but I know she still loves us all even though it might not seem like that.