im a teenager, my mothers a heroine addict. My first blog.

Hello, I've only recently joined this. I found it through searching through google, i was pretty much desperate. I wanted to hear someone else talk about what its like instead of constantly running through the same old things with just myself like a broken record. It was sad and quite scary reading some of the blogs, it feels like i could of written them myself..i cant believe how alike our situations are.  My mums a heroine addict and growing up i couldnt help but feel stranely jelous of my friends who had alcoholic mothers, it always seemed so much more socially acceptable. You were allowed to talk about it, whereas with a horoine addict i always felt more judged.....just because its illegal, my mum wasnt to be trusted. Yet no 'addict' should be trusted, there are no moral high grounds here, alcohol is still a drug. I'm 17 and my mum kicked me out when i was 16, i live in monitered housing. Its a hostel for young people, we have little flat type things and we live in pairs. Across the road there are two more blocks with two people living in each. I live in the first block, just above the staff office. The staff are there to 'look after' us...although the staff are mainly foreign, who speak bad English and have no knowlidge or understanding of what its like to be in my situation. Yet they patronisingly say i can go to them if i ever need to talk....But anyway, the girl i share my block with...her mother is also a drug addict, her main drug of choice is alcohol but she will use any drug. I call the girl i live with my flatmate, perhaps just to retain some normality. My mum kicked my out just because it was convenient, i got in the way of her using drugs. Before my mum kicked me out she had a breakdown. I feel the word 'breakdown' is a term to losely used because as anyone would agree who as witnessed one. Its rather horrific, my mum went into complete psychosis i think its called. She was waking me up at 3 in the morning calling me the devil and saying that she is the saviour and G-d has chosen her. This breakdown came after my mum went to see a friend who had been studying phsycology, he had a degree in it or something. So they had a few glasses of wine and my mum asked for regretion therapy...which is where  go back into your subcontious and remember things that your mind at previously shut out. She thought in doing this she would find out why she used drugs and once she knew she could stop. She knows why now...but thats just made it worse. So yes basially after the therapy she came home and had a complete breakdown, at only 16 i didnt have the knowlidge to deal with something so heavy, i am pretty good at psychology and im a good listener but thats not enough when it comes to trying to peice back together your own mothers sanity. Well i objected to her going into a mental hospital as i had a bad feeling they would over medicate her and drive her further into madness. Im a strong believer that if there were more friends in the world there would be less councillers. So i decided id look after her myself. As a result i failed most of my GCSE's. But my mother has recovered now and can now function properly and managably. However the drug problem is back. She was 'clean' for 4 years, slipping and sliding but predominantly clean for those years. Then since her breakdown she uses heroine pretty much on a daily basis. I hate it, i hate her. After she recovered from her breakdown, i no longer had to focus on her the whole time and was just left to deal with how i felt. My fear of failure finally kicked in. Isnt it weird, its a soldier gets scared of deal after the war?...thats bascally what happened to me. I was so angry that i gave all of my energy, everything. To her in order for her to recover and she went back on drugs. Why would she do that?? I was so so angry, i had more anger than id ever experienced and i didnt know what to do with it. I didnt want to be angry at her because i love her and i know she cant help it but i know i didnt deserve to be angry at myself. So with nowhere to put my emotions i attempted suicide, i didnt want to feel anymore, i wanted to end this. My mother was never going to change, i could live with her and i couldnt live without her. So i wanted to die. So one day after college i was walking home and i stopped at a bridge, i sat on the ledge and just thought about what would happen if i were to jump, in my mind i honestly didnt think i would hurt anyone. I changed my mind anyway and decided to sit on a bench near by...thats when the police pulled up, apparently a member of the public called them out of concern. I was so thankful and relieved tht someone must of seen that i meant it, they recognised the pain in my eyes and decided to call the police just in case. That day a bit of hope was restored, humanity isnt that bad. today i had another argument with my mother, she used earlier and then wanted to take me out to dinner, i went but i couldnt help but get angry. I knew the only reason we went is because she thinks she can buy my forgiveness. I tried to explain that a curry isnt enough for that, shes done far too much. Her reply is that im nearly 18 and its none of my business. She treats me like a stranger. I loved her almost literally to death. p.s if anyone has a mother who has had a breakdown please id like to hear from you, i feel like the only one. or if anyoe can relate or anything id be happy to hear from you too. Please dont be mean. from Harriett.