Too old to start.....

Hi

Found the website and forum after doing an internet search on Google. I was hoping to find an article, comment or report that would confirm that having nothing more to do with my mum is the right thing to do. I didn't find anything, but at least i know i'm not alone in my feelings and situation.

My mum has been an alcholic since i was about 14, so 21 years now. Before that, she was a great mum, caring, sociable, put me and my sister first. We had grat birthday parties, our friends were always welcome in our house. Then it all changed. I still don't really know what the trigger was. She always drank too much at social occassions and I remember being embarrassed by her on a few occassions as a child, but we have a family that like to drink so it wasn't massively unusual at the time. One occassion that made me sit up and realise there was a much bigger issue was hearing someone I went to school with hurl abuse at my mum as she walked back from the local shop. He didn't know it was my mum, and was ranting about how she "shouldn't be allowed to drive" (fair point) and "she's just an old alcoholic". Things started to get worse quite quickly. She was drunk all the time, I had just started my a-levels and my sister had just started her GCSE years at school. We found empty bottles all over the place, all the time. My dad would go out straight from work to avoid her. Seeing her drunk would enrage me and we would invariably fight, quite often getting violent with each other with my younger sister trying to stop us. There were several attempts at suicide made by my mum: pills, slit wrists, the worst occassion being my sister and dad coming home to find her in the car in the garage with the engine running, passed out in the front seat. It seems awful now, thinking about it as i write, that this poor woman was so ill/depressed/struggling, whatever it was, that she did that, but at the time all i felt was rage.

My dad eventually left having met someone else. I moved out with my boyfriend at 18, which had disaster written all over it from the start. To this day i still feel guilty about leaving my sister behind. She did eventually move in with my dad.

My mum has been in rehab a few times. Each time there is hope that she will be OK and normal life can resume, but it is always followed with disappoiontment. I feel sorry for my mum. She has a very sad and lonely life. My sister and I only see her if she's sober, which isn't that often anymore. It is usually a little awkward seeing her. The smallest thing annoys me. At times i wish i could be more supportive and help her, especially when she cries in front of me because she's scared she's going to kill herself. But i've tried that, i've tried everything i can to help and it wore me out. I have had quite a lot of counselling. I was a very angry person for a long time and chose unhealthy, codependant relationships. i'm in a happy & healthy relationship now but he doesn't really understand the complexity of the emotions involved in this situation. He, like many people,  have told me to not worry so much or cut her from my life. But (there's always the but) she's my mum! you don't walk away from your mum. and would i ever forgive myself if anything happened to her....?

She can go for weeks, even months where she's fine now. and that's great. But then it creeps back and takes her again. more recently she got drunk and passed out when she was baby sitting my 3 year old niece. it's baffling, infuriating, unpredictable and i hate it. i would like my caring, generous and lovely mum back full time but i'm not sure i'd even recorgnise her if she did come back.

i do worry i could end up like her. i do like a drink and i find it incredibly difficult to socialise without it and that worries me. My mum had a terrible, terrible childhood and although mine wasn't great, i had a much better start than her (another thing to feel guitly about), but i could end up on the same path.

Bit of an emotional dump sorry. Hope in some way it may help someone.

 

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