A little bit about me

Hey everyone. I am new to this.

I grew up with an alcoholic father. My mother suffered from this. He physically abused her, almost all the time from before their wedding to a few years after. She now suffers PTSD and we all suffered. She was too weak to leve him so we all stuck around. It's hard to think about it, because I don't want to blame her but I wonder what my life would have been like if she did leave. Would I be as strong as I am now? I don't know. Growing up there was almost little money. My dad used it all on his drinking problem. I only remmeber the good times for some reason. I think I blocked out all the bad parts of my early childhood. I do remember his random anger where he would just come and hit me because he did not like something. There was a time when I was about nine years old. I was crying cause I couldn't make up my mind if I wanted to go with my parents to my aunts house. I got frustrated and cried. My dad came back into the apartment from almost the middle of the street. Pulled me out of the bathroom, because I hid in there, and he beat me. It felt like forever. It was no more than two mintues I'm sure. It hurt so much. I didn't cry in front of him cause he would hit me like that again. There was another time that i will never forgive myself for. My dad had been drinking once again. My brother called my cousin stupid. So I let my dad know, you know thinking he can tell him it's not good to say that to people. Well instead my dad, beat my brother, two years younger than me so about 7, the same as he beat me. I cried for him. Watching him get hit. I feel like I don't deserve my brothers forgiveness for that.

Me and my dad now do not talk. The only time he talks to me is when he wants money cause he spent all of the money him and my mom had. I don't give him any so then he starts calling me bad names to my mom and my brother. I feel sorry for my mom but there is not much I can do for her. She does not want to leave him and I can't force her to. I can't do anything for him either. I am even scared to leave my daughter there with my mom because I fear him hittingher the way he hit me.

I learned something from having my parents as my parents. Don't drink, don't let a man or anyone hit you, and walk away. I strive to be the best mom i can be because my mom was not emotionally stable enough to be there for me. She had too much anger in her that all I ever got from her was, "you are so stupid and worthless." I will never speak to my kids like this because I know what it feels like to not feel loved.

 

I am sorry I wrote so much. I just never talk to anyone about it and sometimes I like knowing that I am not the only person out there who didin't have a childhood. Or who have alcoholics parents.

 

Thank you everyone. And remember that no matter what happens in our lives we can all get through it if we try.

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