Addicted Mom

Hi, my name is Savannah. I'm new to this site, I've been reading many stories.. And I feel ready to share mine. I am 18 years old and my mom is an addict. She has been this way my whole life, and since before I was ever born. Nothing has ever been stable for me.. She tried to run from her problems all of the time, I've lived in 4 states and over 26 homes. Her problem starts with alcohol but that is her gateway for using hard drugs. When I was young I never understood it, I knew something was wrong though. I was 11 before I knew for a fact and could understand that she wasn't just an alcoholic, she was a user of a very bad drug. Then, everything made sense.. When I was maybe 7 or 8, I remember her being high.. I'm the oldet of the three, back then it was just me and my brother, we were in the back of the car and she was running from someone she was so scared she thought someone was coming for us and she was driving so wrecklessly.. I held onto my younger brother in the back seat, trying to soothe him, hoping it would end.. Another time my mom woke me up early in the morning, she told me she was going down the street, now I know she wanted to get high.. she told me if anything happened while I was gone that I needed to take this money and run as far as I could and I needed to get out of there. She then gives me hundred and hundreds of dollars rubberbanded together and hides it in my room. I was maybe 9 or 10, I had never been so afraid of what could happen that I would need to take that money and run. But she left me alone anyway. I think about that more often then I would like too. I have many stories like this, I've lived in the worst places, with the worst people.. I've been snatched by my mom and moved so many times. I was in middle school before I had ever completed a full year of school at just one school district. I was 11 when my sister was born, my brother was 9. My mom was quick to going back to partying all of the time, and my brother got sent to live with someone else by her, hoping they could take care of him. I was often left watching my baby sister.. I missed a lot of school, and I cried a lot because I didn't know how to take care of a baby and I could never get ahold of my mom. I began hating her, I was mad at my family for never doing anything about her.. and just letting her get away with leaving us kids.. her boyfriend of a few yeras told me.. "Next time, I'm calling someone about her" it was always next time, and I soon found him pathetic. Years went by and I watched my sister understand more and more that her mom was missing for nights, or days.. She cried and cried asking for her mom.. It killed me everytime. And I tried to stay strong for her, and tell her that mom was okay.. she was only 5. When I was 16, I began living with my boyfriend. My mom moved away taking my sister and my brother.. I didn't want anything to do with her, I wanted to complete school at the Highschool I was at. A month before Christmas, my Dad was announced that he had Cancer, through all of this my Dad was there if my mom lived in the same state as him or not, at this point he lived in Canada. I was mad at him for never being there for me.. for feeling like I didn't have a father.. I hadn't talked to him for a long time.. I was just so mad, and I was afraid to talk to him. A few weeks after her was diagnosed with Cancer, he went into a kind of coma, I don't know all of the details about what it was.. I was going to work one day, and I knew something was wrong. The night before my mom was "missing" or using.. No one heard from her, knew where she was.. I tried calling her because I was worried about my dad, of course no answer. I went to work and expressed my worries to my co-workers about Dad.. An hour or so into work, my phone started buzzing.. I immediatly freaked out. I hurried what I was doing to look at my phone, a voicemail from an unknown number. I knew what it was, in the phone I heard my grandma crying, saying she was sorry, that he was gone.. I fell down crying.. Someone came to hold me.. I was told to go ahead and leave. I left crying, driving my car, trying to see through my tears, I went to where my boyfriend and grandpa worked because I didn't know where else to go. They held me as I cried. I had to call my brother and tell him what happened.. It was the hardest I've ever had to tell him.. We cried on the phone together and he lived an hour away but he was on his way. Eventually my mom showed up, clearly high, and in old clothes.. But I guess she had heard. It didn't matter though, we held onto eachother as we cried.. The next few months, were as bad as they could get. I dealt with losing my dad, my mom was at the worst she's ever been, using all the time, leaving and she took my brother too.. He already had a drug problem and they were both going and going. They still lived far away so I never saw them, or my sister. I still lived with my boyfriend, but I felt like he wasn't there and we were going through a tough time too. I felt alone, I had no one to help me. I hated the world, I was depressed, I barely passed school.. I only did because of my guidance counselor talking to the principals. I was on a downward spiral. I completely stopped talking to my mom. I hated her so much for never being there. For leaving me when I needed her, for hurting my brother and sister so much, I was afraid my sister was going to live the life I did. I wanted to take her from my mom.. I was mad I was so helpless. And no one was helping. Everyone just watched. They watched my mom, they watched us hurt.. but nothing was done. I was fed up.. I hadn't talked to my mom in months but my brother and sister called me crying asking for help. They lived an hour away though.. I didn't know what I could do, it killed me to not be able to protect them. I was a mess.. Eventually my mom found help, it was her only option, she lost her job, her place, and forced to move in with my grandpa. She went to rehab, at the same time, my brother went to a quest. I made visits to both of them.. She got out after a few months, I was scared.. I watched and watched for any signs of her leaving again. The littlest thing made us all worried. But months passed, and she was still sober, our hopes were kept to a minimum, but they got high. She was beautiful, and happy as I have ever seen her, and trying. She was working on being there for my brother and sister. I was glad my sister was able to sleep without waking up crying and asking for her mom. She wasn't afraid anymore.. My brother was still getting into trouble all the time, drugs, stealing, anything.. He eventually landed himself into jail, at 16. But my mom went there twice a week to be there for him, I was proud to see it. Me and my mom were a different story.. I was older, and out of the house, she was too afraid to try with me, I think. I don't know why I was always last, or she didn't feel like she needed to be there for me.. Our relationship still got better.. We talked more.. I was leaning on her more.. Asking for more support. The last few weeks I was borderline wanting to move back in because I didn't like where I was with my roommate. I was ready for my mom to be there for me, as ready asI could be. For the first time in my life it looked like it was going to happen. I don't think she understood.. I'm not the kind of person to ask for any help, ever.. For any support.. I try to be indepedent, workings two jobs, going to school online, and trying to keep up on all my bills. The last week I've felt my mom slipping.. She was 11 months sober, and last week she was gone for the night.. not heard of. She texted me the next day and told me she was drinking and she was so sorry and she loved me and so on.. I told her I understood relapses happened, that I loved her and it wasn't going to change how far we had gotten. A few nights ago I came home to an empty house, I'd been staying the night with her for a few weeks so it hurt to see that no one was there. I felt alone. She was just at my grandma's..but I felt her slipping.. I came home tonight, to my grandpa watching my sister.. I knew she was gone then. He confirmed that no one has heard from her.. Last time she claimed it was only drinking, but this time.. I know it's worse. I know that when my mom takes that first sip, she needs something harder.. It's just a matter of time before she can't resist any longer. I know my mom is an addict, I hate her, I love her. She hurts me all the time.. Even with little things. I know this disease makes her not care about anything.. I try to be stong and understanding.. I try to believe and have hope for her.. Even when it's hard. I will never stop believing in my mom.. But I don't know what to do anymore.. I feel alone.. The world is closing in on me, and it's just me standing here.. I want to run and forget about her. But I could never leave my sister. I want to cry and cry.. I want somene to hold me, I want to go look for her.. I'm scared of losing my mom.. This is the first time I've ever really had her, and I am so scared she's gone again. I came onto this site, because none of my friends understand.. Tonight, I just wanted to know I wasn't alone, that there were other people I could relate to, to talk to.. Other people that understood how I felt and what I was going through.. I don't know how to help myself with this problem, and how to not feel so alone.. Telling my story helped tonight.. But I want more help.