Please please read this - ED?
Right, it has taken me a lot of time to build up the courage and write this.... still debating whether I have a problem or not?
Ok so I am 5'3 and weight around 97lb... the reason I said around is because I do not own a set of scales, unfortunately, to be specific enough. I did mange to grab my cousins a few weeks ago though. People say that I am 'too thin' and that they are worried about me. I look at myself in the mirror and do not hear the thinness they are describing me as... when I look I see normal, average size, not having a problem.
The holidays has been quite hard because I have isolated myself in the house, so Dad always makes sure I eat... I did try to eat as little as possible. I am going back to school on Monday so will get back to my usual routine. At home, I do as much exercise as possible in my room as and when I can... tomorrow I will go outside on my trampoline.
I constantly look at the calorie intake on packaging before eating it and comparing certain foods. The other day I compared whether my brown break was higher in calories than the white, so I went for the lower intake - it is always like this. At school I will skip meals, say that I have already eaten or as this excuse comes up regularly I say "I don't feel well, will eat later"... it has become more of a routine. I have started drinking a lot of water because I hear that this is the trick to losing weight... it is like if I lose weight it is never good enough. I will also put myself being constantly cold, as you burn more calories when your body tries to warm you back up again, I move around as much as possible and do whatever I can to burn off what I have eaten, if I do. After eating, I do feel guilty and try to exercise as much as possible - at school during lunch I will walk around the buildings rather than eating with my bottle of water. I have noticed some physical affects like dizziness and going lightheaded. My teachers explained to me her worry about my weight and asked if I am eating OK - I tried to say 'of course' whilst being aggitated on my seat. I did explain that I did not really like eating to her though... she said that it is very important I look after myself during the pain I am going through with Mum being in hospital due to her alcohol consumption (if you have read my other posts on the 'alcohol' forum it will make more sense) and the effect it has had on me. I have noticed the white hair over my body, very fine too. I can be truthful and say that I do have visible bones; I have a thigh gap, my elbow on the inner arm pokes out, visible collorbone, ribs and hips too. I understand that what I have explained is not normal, however I try to trick myself into thinking it is. I am just unsure to take it further and say it is anorexia? I am usure why I have done this... After helping so many people and doing the best for everyone and into everything, why would I be like this? I feel as though I have done the best and gotten worse. Perhaps if I do less I will get more? Not sure how life works at the moment. I feel very frustrated with mum being in hospital, practically dying in my eyes... I just want all this to go away.
A lot of people on support groups have said for me to visit my GP but I DONT have the strength to do this... I cannot say I have a problem because they may laugh and say 'of course you don't, you're fine'... I am sure I will be fine, I can show that I am strong to others. It's just sometimes very hard. Im sure you can understand...
Sorry that this is so long, but thank you for reading.