finally

Hey, I just joined this group today and this is the first time that I will be able to talk about the real story behind me.

I've alway had a hard time truly opening up to people though I do have friends. I always keep a distance, a certain "space" away from people, even to those close to my heart. That's why people think I'm shy and a quiet girl. Yes, it is true but recently, i've realized the reason behing my personality. I've been really depressed recently because of my dad's drinking problems so I started surfing the net to forget my problems. Then I found out that children with alcoholic parent can be shy and have a hard time trusting people. That's so totally me! Then I found this website. I was sooooo thankful to Emma Spiegler for creating this! 

Now, the real story behing my personality...

My friends actually question me sometimes why I don't really talk to them that much or why I don't always go out with them. Why am I so shy? Why don't I go party with them? Why don't I talk about my crushes? Why don't I talk about my dad when I talk about my family? Why don't I invite them to my house?

Well, sorry guys. I've always been like this. And my dad, he's been drinking waaaaay before I was born. He was even the one who made me taste beer for the first time. I was probably 7 at that time and I hated the taste. Eeeew! He even used to smoke. I remember when I was about 8, I'd take  away his cigarettes and throw them away. He got so angry at me....as if what I was did was wrong. I cried so hard. My mom tried to "comfort" me by telling me that I should just be patient with him and bear with it. Why was she taking his side? She made me feel like I was bad and it was right of him to scold me. That's always been the case. Even now, that I'm 19 years old. He did stop smoking after he was hospitalized because of it, but he never stopped drinking. A few years later he was hospitalized again for liver problems and he blamed me! He said it was because I played with him too much...coz I like to poke his beer belly (near his liver). I shouted at him telling him it was his fault not mine. Again, I cried. Again, my mom told me the same words. Again, I've learned to bear with this pain. I've learned to pretend that there was no problem just like my mom. She never really saw this as a problem. I've also learned not to talk about this in school. It would be shameful if my friends knew about this problem. And I guess after 19 years I've reached my limit because I've started to feel depressed and I've been crying at night. 

Despite all that's been happening in my home, ther is a bright side. I don't think that my problem is as bad as others' because my dad doesn't get violent when he's drunk. He doesn't physically abuse us, but he does get mad really easily. Another thing is that because I needed to forget this problem, I've focused my attention to school work and I've been doing well ever since.  Also, my experience has been an eye opener. Because of all this, I've promised myself that I will never get drunk and I will never smoke. A taste of wine is fine but I must never get drunk. Also, this made me hate going to clubs and other places where there are tons of people drinking. Even peer pressure won't tempt me.

There are bad effects too. My dad made me a shy and distant person. Also, my parents made me afraid to fall in love. I don't want all this to happen again. I don't want my child to suffer like me. If ever I get married, it must be to a man who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke and is kind. Where will I find that guy?

Now, I wanna say thank to all those reading this even though its very long. It feels liberating to have shared my story.

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