Finally found a forum!

I have tried and tried to find some kind of outlet.

My name is Kim, I am 19 years old. My parents were addicted to crack-cocaine for 7 years when I was very young. They started smoking when I was in kindergarten and didn't stop until I was about 12 years old. My dad has been clean since, but my mom relapsed a couple months ago. My sister is addicted to pills and is an alcoholic. My aunt and uncle are recovering addicts. My cousins are recovering addicts, or are still using. My family is riddled with drug abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and neglect. Mental illness also runs in my family, probably as a result of trauma. My mom is diagnosed with 6 different mental illnesses. She has been hospitalized repeatedly since she was 14 years old. She was hospitalized more times than I can count just in my lifetime, and I was not born until my parents were in their 30's. My dad is an absent figure in my life and has been since I was about 8. I have few memories of him. I no longer live with my family. This is my 8th time moving out of my house. I am staying with friends at the moment. I have no job, no car, no money, and I live in a rural area with no ride into town. Nothing in walking distance. I am feeling very stuck and lost and scared about my future. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time trying to help my family with their lives. I used to be in therapy but can no longer recieve free therapy because of my age. As an adult, I have been disqualified from the program. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about these things because they all have their own problems. I have tried to write about it but I always wind up staring at a blank page. I just want to talk to people that understand. And I don't want to talk to addicts! I don't do any drugs, I don't drink! I smoke cigarettes but I am trying to quit. All my friends do drugs and it makes me not even want to be around them. But the people that I meet that don't do drugs and don't know anyone that does just don't understand and I feel really uncomfortable around them. I feel like trash around them. Like we are different breeds of people almost... It really really sucks. I just want to talk to people like me who know what it's like to grow up in that, and don't want to become addicts themselves! I started drinking when I was 13 years old, i started smoking marijuana at 14, I started taking pills when i was 16 and I stopped everything and have been sober for over a year now. I started college and I was going to get a degree in Computer Science last year but when my mom relapsed i just freaked out and got super depressed and started missing school and I got really behind in my classes and started failing, so I withdrew. I quit my job and just slept and cried and tried to hide from everything. Needless to say, that didn't work very well. Now i am in a screwed up spot and don't know what to do. I am trying to keep a positive outlook! I am trying to keep going! I am suprised I have made it this far. When I was younger I didn't think I would ever make it. And here I am.. I want to work through my own issues and maybe help others if I can. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

Kim

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