First rant.

Hello my name is Saunen, I'm a guy whom is turning 27 this july I come from a family riddled with addictions and the horrible consequences that come with them and I'm not good at, well, expressing myself in writing or otherwise so this will be more or less a rant style summary of my life. (likely in half bad grammar since this is not my first language, but ill try)

I dont even know how to start this... so i guess from the start or atleast what i can remember right now.

I grew up with an alcoholic mother and from about the age of 10-11 I started seeing my mothers behaviour and ended up spending nights in bed listening to my parents argue and long after my father had gone to bed i would still be awake to make sure my mother was asleep before i could fall asleep.

at the age of 14 i started drinking (and smoking), I dont really know why i guess i just felt like 'why not' most of my alcohol came from my mother whom once she figured it out actually bhought it for me rather than have me steal hers by the time i was 18 i had  dropped out of school and lost most of friends that i did not drink with, as in i had "drinking partners" but no real friends.

Shortly after my 18th birthday i had to be admitted to a psychiatric clinic due to a alcohol induced psychosis which ill leave out the details of for now, but it was the final straw for my father whom shortly after divorced my mother tired of living with now not only 1 alcoholic but 2, this is the first time i really started to realise what i was becomming or rather had become, I was called into the defence forces (mandatory conscription where im from) and i saw this as my 'first' chance to get out and try to well at the time become something anything just get my own life, i failed miserably and after 6 months i was discharged into the reserves.

When i returned home my mother was worse than ever and i had no friends, no job, no education and quite frankly no will left so i kept drinking and finally got a job at a uhm well not really sure what to call it a bunch of 'degenerates' doing various less appealing jobs when available and that was all i did for 3 years drinking and working just enough to afford it untill my drinking cost me that job.

after 3 years i got an offer from the one and only friend that had stuck by me all these years, he wanted to leave and go off somewhere far far away and he would lend me the money needed to with him untill we found a job.

I saw this as my 'second' chance and immidiately jumped at the chance let my mother know that i would not be bringing in anymore money at home and that i was leaving so she should get a place she could afford on her 'income' and about 3 months later i took off with nothing but my passport, the clothes on my back, my cellphone(this is something i should have left behind as it turns out) and my friend (sounds about as fun as it was actually)

we spent about 3 weeks traveling through asia by spending as little as possible before getting to australia where within a day or two i had a well paying job and a nice 'working visa hostel' to live at, for the next 2-3 months we had a blast and we were just saving money so we could go traveling to all the fun places we had planned, then my mother had started contacting me on my cell, at first it was just once or twice everyday but it became more and more and this triggered me to increase my alcohol intake to obnoxious levels again and as such my friend whom now was living with me got to experience that and out friendship got well tough.

another 3 months or so and i had gotten to the point where i was now supplementing my alcohol with marijuana which was not all that good of an idea, my friend had enough and took off on a shortened version of our "plan" before heading home. my mother was getting worse and worse and i was doing the exact same this except on the other side of the world, one fateful day nearly 5 years ago now i made a decision too stop drinking because i was now smoking an ounce a week and i dont know why, i guess i saw alcohol as inferior too that whatever the reason. so on my 22nd birthday the 6th of July i drank my last alcoholic beverage.

this however led me to realise in just how bad shape my mother was and at somepoint someone made the wise decision to let my troubled alcoholic mother know that i was smoking marijuana (which to her is just as bad as doing cocaine or any other NON prescribed drug.)

(I'll probobly expand on that in another thread because i just started realising how long this introduction rant is getting but i really need this rant right now.)

In anycase with threats  to her own life and a promise that if i came home and stopped doing drugs she would stop drinking... which in my head was an absolutely superb deal, I would do anything for her to stop.

I gave away that which i could not carry on a plan, packed my bags and hopped on a bus to the nearest airport and 2 days later i was on a plane on my way home.

She celebrated with a bottle of vodka that when i left home i had saved as it was some sort of limited edition thing but as i wasnt drinking anymore she thought she could help herself...

(Now i really need to start cutting this down, i did warn you I'm no good at writing this kinda stuff)

for 3 years i tried everything, and at a lucky oppurtunity i did something that I am not proud of but that did help me without actually having to ask for help and my mother got admitted to a clinic specialising in alcohol and drug addictions but as it was technically volunteery she was able to leave before even having sobered  up but this event allowed me to use this event to get her help.

now since everything has to come in balance my brother also an alcoholic and addict of well everything was forced out and had no where to stay, at the time i must have had a brain fart for i thought it would be a good idea to bring in an even worse addict (however i did not realise by just how much or that it would effect me this badly) in the house to give my mother an idea of what its like to live with someone like this whilst she was sober. worked like a charm for about a month then it went sideways...

that was 2 years ago and these two year have been hell, my brother has 4 children with 3 different mothers which he gets to see every second weekend and even though its "only" alternating weekends i dont want to see them go through this, already 2 event have occured that should have had me put a stop to this somehow but as it turns out im not strong enough any more instead I'm now falling apart as his drinking is currently reaching a peak and hence why I am writing this.

I just needed to share it with someone, anyone, something i have never done before, I have never had the guts to ask for help or even talk about what im going through but recently ive realised that i really do need too.

Wow this was alot longer than i had intended, sorry for the long read but i needed it,

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