Guilt over alcoholic parent's death
I just joined this site in hopes of meeting a few people who are or have experienced what I am going through. In June 2011, my mom was hospitalized and died a week later. It turned out that her liver was so damaged from years of drinking that they weren't funcitoning and in turn, her kidneys failed. When she went into the hospital, she had sworn up and down that she was only drinking on the weekends and very little then. Needless to say, herr death was very unexpected. We (my family and her boyfriend of ten years) knew she was still drinking, but didn't know how bad it actually was. The day before she went into the hospital, I returned from a week long trip to Costa Rica. Right before I left she was throwing up blood and I was going to take her to the emergency room, but she told me that her boyfriend was going to. Later, I learned that she lied and he was actually going out of town and thought I was taking her. I often wonder if she would be alive if I had just taken her, but because I was busy packing, I just took her word for it. I know that what has happened has happened and I can't save her now, but there are several instances where I wonder if she would still be alive if I just would have done the opposite of what I did. She started drinking when I was 10 and ever since then, I tried so desperately to get her to stop drinking. She was also a hoarder and throughout school, I would never have friends over nor did I talk about what was going on with anybody. I had a lot of friends before my mom started drinking and my parents split up (my dad divorced my mom because she started drinking and cheated on him), but I had a friend over and the house was very messy and word just kind of spread throughout school. It took me until 15/16 to find friends that I was even remotely comfortable with. I went to university relatively far from where we lived and I would always hound her and she would tell me that she had stopped drinking and then I would return, only to find that nothing had changed. It was just so frustrating.
Since she has died, I have these dreams where my mom and I are in an urgent situation and I am trying desperately to get her out, but she never comes with me or stops whatever it is she is doing that I know is going to kill her within, like, 30 seconds (the time frame varies from dream to dream). I just had one of these dreams two nights ago and I am starting to wonder if this is why I have been so unhappy for a while - all of the guilt that I have never deal with regarding my mom. I am very insecure and at times very withdrawn. I think I could be depressed. I cry very easily, which before she died, NEVER happened. I just want to be happy and have considered moving to another town, quitting my current job, breaking up with my fiance, but I am afraid that the problem is with me, not anything/ anybody else. If anybody else has been through this, I would really appreciate hearing how you are handling it.
Thanks for your time.