So grateful to find this site

I have been on a quest since July 14, 2013 to move on from my mother.  It's been extremely challenging cutting off my life line, but I know in order for me to be my best self and raise my son in a safe environment, I needed to do it.

My mother and Dad divorced when I was 18 months.  My Dad is quite timid, and tends to be a push over. My mother has always been aggressive and a bully and adding alcohol to the mix makes it that much worse.  Dad walked out, and felt powerless to gain custody of me despite her issues.  She barely could raise me alone.  She slept during the day, and drank all night.  She had many boyfriends and would have sex in front of me.  Studies show you don't remember anything before the age of 3, but I can visibly remember all the details. 

My mother remarried when I was 5 to another push over.  My Step Father is a great guy, but never wanted to rock the boat with her.  He also showed signs of addiction issues, but displayed more self control. 

Partying was a big part of my childhood.  Keg parties, late night incoherence.  Lots of parents at my soccer games, or school concerts.  I always felt alone.  When my mother would sense I was unhappy, she would buy me something.  It was her way of pacifying me.  I didn't know better, and let the immediate gratification satisfy my need for love and affection. 

Year after year, it became worse.  I eventually left home for college hoping to erase or ignore home.  It didn't work, and was always lurking, reminding me I was very much a part of that family whether I wanted to be or not.  After school and some volunteer work, I moved 7 hours away with my boyfriend, now husband.  I was so out of the loop, but was quickly reminded in my short visits home for the holidays that nothing was getting better.  She is 200+ pounds, a hoarder, addicted to depression meds and whisky, and manages to keep a job.  She rarely leaves home, let alone her own bedroom.  There is no getting through to her.  She's so broken. Any attempt to be direct and honest is shot down with anger and defensiveness. 

I gave birth to my son in May 2013 and she gained the courage to fly down to see him.  While staying at my house, she got so drunk she got lost in our tiny flat.  My husband exchanged words with her, and politely asked her to go to bed.  She ranted on about how angry she was coming all this way and I wouldn't even let her hold my son.  She ended the slurred quarrel with calling me a terrible daughter and I lost it.  I kicked her out of my home and have not seen or spoken to her since. 

A few months after the incident, I sent her a letter and pleaded for her to get help.  I also said that I couldn't maintain a relationship with her if she continues to drink.  She responded on Christmas Eve in a letter with the same ugliness she said at my home in June. 

 I have no one's support except my husband's.  Her brothers and sisters do not want to get involved and my step father has stood by her.  Every day I mourn her, and a mom that I've always wanted.  I hope that one day this story gets easier, but I can't imagine how it will.  She gave me life and sucked it out of me all in the same breath.  She will die and I will never know who she really is, because she lives a disease that disguises the truth.