Speachless

I've been able to cope pretty well so far.  Like everyone here, i've had my share of alcohol related difficulties, but it turns out that the worst part of it all, is because of the best part of my life.  Although it may sound to most like a cliche, average teen infatuation, my boyfriend means the world to me.  Before we began dating i thought little of my situation, but now, juxtaposed with his life and the love he gives me, im more aware than ever of how awful it really is.  Before, i was very able to turn off my emotions, to not take life seriously, but he opens my heart, making it feel the pain ive avoided for so long.  The drunken swears and insults, the constant moving, strange boyfriends, and lack of support, have all caught up to me.  Its seems like every little thing reminds me that my family is nonexistent, my life broken, and that im damaged.  I cry in the middle of classes, almost every time my boyfriend brings me home, and i wish i had the strength to tell him why.  He knows a little about my life, that my mother drinks and isn't kind to me, but he doesnt know even half the story.  he often asks whats wrong and tells me he loves me, but i always fail to answer.  Part of the reason is because i know that if i try to speak, ill break down, and i dont want him to see how damaged i am.  The other part is that i dont know how to explain that the thing thats bothering me is the entirety of my life.  My dad doesn't speak to me. Im afraid of connecting with my mother because of the inevitability of her hurting me again.  I dont see my brothers for years at a time and disputes between my parents and other family members have shattered any close relations with extended family.  Moving because of financial dependence on my moms boyfriends has made me reluctant to form friendships.  im worn out by the cycle of her finding someone to live with, seeing her being taken advantage in her drunken state, the boyfriend getting tired of her behavior and leaving, and having to move again.   After a particularly bad confrontation with my mother, which involved social services,  ive stopped seeing her as a mother.  She is meerly the cause of my personality flaws and the motivation to do well in life.  I dont want to end up like my parents. but even as hard as i try, she still impacts my life.  Her daily fights with her current boyfriend, hushed discussions of moving, and inappropriate behavior make me fear the future.  I always feel very alone, and i wish i could explain to my boyfriend what im going through, but im afriad of relying on him too much, since everyone ive loved has ended up disappointing me 

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