After effects - Trauma and life after removal of alcoholic...

Hi everyone. Not sure who will see this and what kind of advice you can give, but I want to share my story for the very first time. You see, the first memory I have of my mother is of her being drunk. Now don't get me wrong, she loved me and my siblings very much and was by no means a monster or a terrible mom. But here's the thing - she destroyed me. I have been torn to pieces because of what I went through. 

i remember vividly her swinging things at me and never leaving me alone when she was drunk - which was every night. Every night for my whole life (up until I was about 13 - but I'll get there eventually) she was drunk. i would always lay in bed and wait for her to go to sleep while she drunkenly called people and talked for hours. They all knew she was drunk and that she had a problem. They never did anything to help. They ENCOURAGED it, frequently. 

You see, every time I tried to tell someone about my predicament they either never believed my circumstances were that bad or told me I deserved it and my siblings and I were the cause of her alcoholism. It was either us or our father, they never blamed her. And it got to a point where I actually believed it all. I believed what they were saying and I tried to make up for it. I was the perfect student in school. No complaints from teachers, straight A's, and awards for doing so well. She never noticed and it never helped.

I played soccer from the ages of 7-13. on every tournament she went to (because remember, I have 3 siblings) she would get drunk and embarrass me. And everyone knew my dirty little secret. People were sympathetic of course, but they still blamed me. I could never get away from it. Eventually, i played soccer for the last time when I was in 8th grade because it was too painful to be reminded of what she did to me on those trips. And how no one cared enough to see if I was okay. 

Then of course there was my extended family - who enabled her and left me and my older sister to care for my younger brothers. Now these are the people who I consider to be the biggest betrayers towards me because they knew she had a problem long before I was born (she was the baby of her family) and never tried to help her or try to correct it, and eventually she had kids. Now that's not why I think they are backstabbers, it's the fact they berated me for being upset at my mom for being a drunken mess. They told me to shut up, to stop having an attitude, to learn to understand my mom took a lot and that she deserved a night to drink and have fun. But at her childen's expense of course. 

For a while we lived with my aunt and she always brought my mom vodka and she was always drunk. Two of my aunts are responsible for my fathers downward spiral into drugs. Thank goodness he had the sense to get clean, and he has been ever since.

Now back to the subject matter. My mother had plenty of boyfriends, because she was a beautiful woman. However, none of the men tried to help her. Again, they berated me for being upset she was doing this. It was a living hell. we never had food because she squandered that money on alcohol. I tried telling people about this, but they of course never believed me. 

so eventually I just stopped reaching out for help. I was numb. By the grace of God however, someone called CPS on her and we were given to our grandmother until our father could afford to take care of us. I don't like admitting it, but I felt free after she was finally gone. She was a good mother, but alcohol was always her first priority. My father could finally afford to take care of us and we moved in with him - a welcome change from the torture we endured. We had to get used to new things of course - structured household, family time, and we could have friends over and not be ashamed. 

But you see, that's the hard part. after I got out, I hid my problems and acted like it was all over, but alas the nightmare isn't over yet. I still suffer with flashbacks and other issues. I'll never be completely healed, but my goal is to move towards a path of normalcy again. 

i realized a while ago I can't change my mom. She is currently in jail for a DUI - for the second time. This is my life now. Trying to move on and pick up the broken pieces. 

Thanks for reading this far, and I hope my story helps someone out there. I still struggle with the effects of this everyday, but maybe one day, I'll be okay, and that gives me hope.