Feel at peace

Hi everyone,

I don't really know how I found this, or how it's going to help me, or if it's even intended for me... but i'd thought i'd give it a try.

So,a bit of background on myself, I come from Europe (South) but have recently moved to the USA with my two parents. I am almost 20 years old. When we moved, I was in the age of starting college and I really wanted to leave home, so I did everything possible to be able to stay in the dorms and get away from home.

A bit of my back story is that since I was very young, probably before I was even born, my parents have dealt with my Dad having alcohol issues. When I was very little, about 5, there were always photos of my Dad drinking beer, or something else. Anywho, it wasn't until I was around 8 or 9 that I started noticing something was off. My Dad locked me in their room while durnk leaving my mom outside just to show me some creepy guns and stuff. I was worried, because my Dad was nonchalantly showing me the collection while my mom was screaming in panic outside. That was probably the first time I opened my eyes.

After that, little things started happening. My Dad would get back home and my parents would argue. One day, I woke up around 5am and heard my parents knocking things around in the house, they were fighting very aggresively.

One day, we went on a trip, and my mom randomly appeared with bruises all over her face. My Dad had obviously relapsed. Oh, I didn't say, my Dad wasn't a constant drinker, he would just drink, a lot, and then quit for a couple months.

Another time, my mom and I were sleeping, and my mom forbid the entrance to the house to my Dad because he was very drunk. I was sleeping with my mom then (which i did very often), and heard my Dad put a bomb on the window created with the gas heater outside. We called the police, and my mom dropped me in my best friend's house for the night. I woke up and my friend's mom took me to the police station, and again I found my mom with her face blue. Apprently, he had broken in again and threatened her to death.

After that, there were no relapses. My parents spent about 6 months separated but I managed to bring them back together (they are my parents, I love them). 5 years after, once in the united states, my Dad relapsed. This time we scaped to my families house before he could do anything else.

So back to now. Our economic situation is horrible and that's why we migrated, yet i'm trying to finance my education (private university) by having scholarships and good grades. It's hard, because i still need their financial support. They've moved even closer to the universtiy, pushing me to come back home. But I just know I won't be able to sleep peacefully or without the threat of my Dad coming back home drunk agian, so i'm trying hard to keep everything up. This year I became an RA, to finance my housing for free, but I hate working with more drunks and being up at night, so i'm quitting it next year.

I just feel like I need some help getting over the trauma, and advice on how to move forward. I hate being dependent on them, specially my father. I also still hear the drama on family (his twin syster is anything but legal, and a true full-time alcoholic), and everytime he tells me he is stressed with work, it puts stess in me, because I feel like I should be preventing the stress to prevent the alcoholism.

I just want a stable, happy life, away from the fear. Does this make any sense?

Sorry if the post was long...