Suicidal Alcoholic Mother


I'm not really looking for help I just kinda wanted to vent on what's been happening for the past eight years. I'm a 19 year old girl and my mum is an abusive alcoholic. We've lived in a few different countries which has been pretty unstable for the family because it's hard to make friends easily and all we've really got most of the time is eachother. Mum scares away most of our friends aswell. My mother's father was an abusive alcoholic, he used to beat her when she was younger and make her do disgusting and inhumane things. She grew up having to live with this and now she is projecting it on her own family.

Mum and dad split up for a while and we moved in with mum while dad lived in another country for work, she would constantly drink and at 12 years old I would stay up all night making sure she didnt fall down the stairs, my younger brothers were too young to know what was going on. I once watched her pee in the living room thinking it was the toilet and then she got angry at me for not helping her enough, this was my first traumatic memory of mum being an alcoholic.

Mum and dad got back together so we moved countries again, we lived in a large hotel and for a few months every day and night she would get drunk and try to throw herself out of the hotel window. I once found her trying to hang herself on her bedframe, she was then submitted to mental hospital. We're now in Australia and things havent gotten better, she used to beat me and strangle me while my dad was at work, (removed by moderator). Dad is depressed and is angry at everyone all of the time because of it, he doesn't show much emotion, neither of them are very supportive.

I tell her things about my personal life when she's sober in confidence that I dont want people to know, but as soon as she drinks she calls my friends up and tells them. She's a manipulative and selfish person and I can't fully forgive her for what she has done to me and how I feel about myself. I have no confidence in myself whatsoever as she is always putting me down and telling me what i'm doing wrong with my life when shes drunk. i know it's easy to say "don't listen to what your mums saying, she's drunk" but it's hard not to and I have believed the things she has said and still says. I feel worthless, lonely and unmotivated, I'm scared to achieve things as dumb as that sounds. I was depressed during school and ended up not completing year 12, no one could tell I was depressed though, I tried to put on a happy front. I can now see my younger brothers who are now in year 12 repeating the same things that I did and I'm scared for them, I want them to succeed, mum always says to them that she hopes they dont end up like me.

My mum has destroyed our family, she's been seeing a psychiatrist for 2 years and nothing has changed. Dad is moving out next month so hopefully that will wake her up, or it'll do the opposite and she'll commit suicide and as bad as that is, it would actually be a relief. I love my mum but I have no respect or time for her anymore, she doesn't want to change, she doesn't want help and she blames everyone else for HER problem. It's been going on for too long and we've tried everything, and it's not like we haven't cared, we did care for a long time and tried to support her but it's clear that the addiction has completely taken over and eventually I don't think I will want her in my life because she will cause problems for my future family. Thanks.