my story

Hi, I'm new here and I guess I have come on this site to hopefully feel a bit better about my situation. It probably all started when I was around 2yrs old and my mum and dad split up. When I was younger I would spend most Saturday's with my dad, but we never really became close. I think that my mum first started drinking after he left and that also caused her to develop depression. She used to be on antidepressants but I guess I was around 7 or 8 when she stopped talking them. She got made redundant when I was 12 and this only caused her to get worse. 

The house has always been a mess, I don't even remember it being clean and tidy, I have never had any of my friends around to my house because I am ashamed and it took me nearly 5 years, and all the courage I had to tell my best friend earlier this year. In January my mum cut her foot open on a broken vodka bottle, and because the house is in such a state I had to help her hobble to out doctor's, where they cleaned her up and put a dressing on, we then had to wate for a taxi to take us to the hospital. When we got to A&E mum was told that she needed stitches, and because of how bad it was she would need an operation. This meant I had to catch the bus home, alone, and spent Saturday night, all day sunday by myself and then she didn't come home until 5pm on Monday. At this point I had only told my best friend that my mum had hurt herself, and I finding it increasing difficult to cope by mself, I was used to doing most things aroun The house, but now I was doing everything. The only reason school ever found out was because that Thursday I had maths homework due in and I hadnt done it, so when I was asked by my maths teacher why, I just started crying and told her that I had been doing so much at home I was just too busy, and when I did get free time I was so tired that all I wanted to do was sleep or be by mtself. 

Things got a bit better then because my teachers knew and that meant I didn't have to worry about getting my homework done on time as much. But in march, I got really bad and I started self harming, it was never that bad then, just light scratches, but I got worse. Then one night mum had been drinking and got really mad at me, so I stayed sat outside the front door crying in the middle of the night, not wanting to go inside because I was frightened of what she would say/do. The next day I was a wreck in school and I only spent the first 10mins of my day in actual lessons. I ended up telling one of my teachers (art) what had happened and I went to show her a photo of something I had drawn on my phone when she saw I had been on a suicide website. I then had to go and talk to the school councillor and then in the afternoon I couldnt concentrate on anything so I just ended up sitting with a teacher. 

Then the head teacher came and said I had to go to his office for a chat, and I was so nervous, but then I saw my mum in his office and I nearly backed off and ran out of the school. They had told her Everything and I really didnt want to be there. They told me that they were going to get social services involved and this freaked me out so much. Over the next few months I was seeing the school councillor regularly, but that didn't stop my self harm from getting worse. <removed by moderator>

I wish I had never told anyone anything, it would have been so much easier, <removed by moderator>. I guess I just cant cope with how my mum is anymore. I have pretty much brought myself up and I have never really been that close to her. 

Quite frankly I am closer to my teachers than I am my mum. She trys, but its always at the wrong times and in the wrong ways. I am receiving help from Targeted Youth and I keep getting asked what I want to change, but I can only say I don't know because I have Never known any different and dont know how things should be. All of my friends also have pretty bad lives so I am trying no to burden my problems onto them because they have enough to worry about without me adding to them. Im sorry if anyone can relate to my story. No one should have to live through things like that.