"You have my back, right?"
Hello, I'm really in a tough situation with my alcoholic mother, and I could use some advice on how to approach what to do next.
My mother has recently been fired from her job due to a combination of truancy and what I believe is a bad egg of a boss. There are tons of details and I'll try to sift through what's relevant to the story. My mother lives in Texas, and I have been living here in London since 2014.
My mom started drinking too much towards the tail end of her previous marriage. It was her third marriage, and I have lived through both previous divorces. The first marriage ended because she was aggressive and mean to her husband (my dad), so he left her. The second marriage ended due to repeated counts of domestic violence that I had to sit and watch because, again, she would be too aggressive and mean to her husband. She said she only divorced him for me because I didn't get along with him, but I can't understand why she still loved him in spite of the domestic abuse. From what I remember, the fights always started under the influence of alcohol.
The third marriage ended with his suicide. It was after a domestic dispute where the police had to be called. Even after they offered her to arrest him on the spot, she refused it. He was found the next morning in the garage (removed by moderator). After his suicide, her alcoholism worsened exponentially.
I flew home for a month and a half to sort out some of my own personal issues but to also spend time with her. I was the next subject of her abuse, as any time I wanted to do something other than go and spend time with her, I would get a phone call or a slew of text messages disowning me and saying really really horrible things to me. I dealt with this all month and eventually she was convinced that she needed to go to rehab. She skipped out of rehab, claiming it was just not the right place for her, after 3 days. She then started to go to outpatient rehab. For a month or two, things seemed to improve. She never told me straight on but I knew she began drinking again due to slurred speech and horribly mispelled texts when I would wake up in the morning, in addition to other psychotic and angry episodes against me, other family friends, or my grandparents.
To fast forward to the day she got fired, she got an email from my angry ex-wife about me, and my mom called me in tears, screaming saying she was worried about me. I have had my own issues, but after some recent changes I am doing much better personally, and I told her she had nothing to worry about with me. She forwarded the email from my ex-wife to her boss, and she was then asked to not bother coming into work. This is the same position where she was subject to discrimination based on her religion and age, but that's another story. She went home, called me on facetime, and was already drinking in the early afternoon, showing me how much wine she was drinking, screaming and yelling about how unfair this is, and then when I asked her to calm down, she started getting aggressive towards me.
I told her she should approach them about contacting a lawyer due to the discrimination - she said she would not because it's too much trouble. I am at a point where I feel she is too lazy to do anything that should be done the right way, and I think the alcoholism is a big part of that. She then admitted three days ago that she needed to go to rehab again, or a psychiatric hospital. Once she made this admission, I agreed 100% and encouraged her to do this. She then told me, "Please don't tell Grandma or Grandpa, as they are old and I don't want to stress them out." I responded with, "You not saying anything will stress them out more, they are worried sick about you and constantly wonder what to do about you." She acknowledges it, but I have had to repeat myself 5 times on the matter.
Today, she told me that the rehab center she was going to enter on Monday was too full and didn't have any beds, so she was just going to slowly wean herself off the alcohol, start working out, and "Don't tell anybody about this - please tell me you've got my back." It feels extremely wrong to me to continue keeping this secret for her, and it feels like emotional blackmail for her to tell me that this is the way to "have her back" but I know full well if I say anything to the contrary, she will blow up and make me even more miserable about the situation than I already am.
What do I do? I had my own struggle with alcoholism trying to deal with her and her projecting her problems onto me, and while I am more scared for her in this situation, I feel like I have to do or say something for the sake of my own sanity as well. I've even thought about potentially cutting off all communication with her once she gets the help that she needs - this sounds insane, but I feel like I can't take much more of her behavior in my adult life, as anytime something good happens to me, something bad happens to her that she directly involve me in. Please help, as this is getting really bad.