Do I save my mother or save myself..

Where do I start..

I am just gling to write everything on my mind, everything that I've been wanting to let out for 3 years now but have always kept things to myself, I have neve let anyone into my dark side of life, simply because I don't want anyone to say anything about my mum or think that shes a waste of space. Which is not! 

long story short, life has always been tough for me ever since I could remember, my mum has always been my mum my dad my family. ive never separated from her she's always been a great mother, always offered me everything that I needed, even that man figure I never had as my dad has never been around.

when I was 12 my mum met a man who she got married to 2 years later she had my 2 half brother who I love so much and who I have been a second mum figure to, my stepdad started being violent towards my mum etc..

they got divorced, me my mum and 2 younger brothers lived together.. Things started to change, mum started inviting her friends over they stay up very late laughing and drinking while I was looking after my brothers. I didnt mind at the time, I was happy that my mum is having a good time especially after everything she's been through trying to raise me. The partying and the gathering became a routine, it started to be everyday.. Everyday drinking and drinking and I'm left having to look after my brothers all night and we all would not go to school in the morning, mum changed! she started to use words on me who cut like a knife, she would tell me that I'm useless, without her I'll be nothing and that i was worthless. Anyway, my brothers attendance to school got worse, social services got involved in our life they discovered mums early days addiction to alcohlol and they took my brothers into child care, thru couldn't take me as i was 18 and considered an adult. My mums addiction has GONE OUT OF CONTROL after they took my brothers into child care. Now I have to suffer EVERYDAY!! I go to work worried that I will come back and find her dead on the floor, i wake up and see her with a bottle in her hand, I go to sleep I see her with a bottle in her hand.

she is mentally and verbally abusing me, I get a lot of attention outside but I feel anxious, low self esteem i feel like I can't let anybody into my life because I don't want anyone to know the secret I'm hiding at home. She tells me I hope when you have kids one day they get taken away from you like my children got taken away from me.

everyday I cry myself to sleep, I miss my brothers so much, they're victims of all this because of mums drinking they will grow up without a real mothers love and happy functioning family. Because of my mum my life is gone I left education at 16 to look after her, I was too worried to leave her at home alone, I was doing very well at school and always had big dreams and ambitions, now I just fee worthless and that I will never be happy. I feel as if this will be my life forever, I'm not thinking of moving out or anything I don't want to leave her to suffer alone even though she's making my life living hell and embarrassing me, I just wish I had a mother I can go to when I have a problem and mother who would ask how my days been a mother I can go for lunch or dinner with and have a good laugh with, you know? Just like normal happy families, I have never felt that. I feel so isolated but I always put on a mask when I'm with my friends or outside, no one could ever suspect that im depressed or have an alcoholic mother, no one could ever suspect that my life is upside down.


i didn't go into details, but this is just 40% of everything. 

anyone can relate to anything I've said??