Moving on with life and letting go of alcoholic mum

Hello everyone I've just joined and here is my story, I'll try keep it short. I'm writing because some other stories on here seem similar in ways to my own experiences.

im 21 and my mum has been drinking for longer than I've been alive, longer than 26 years now. She's been a 'functional' alcoholic in regards to holding down a career, i just wish she looked after her health too. Perhaps id be able to tolerate the drinking if she wasn't so close to dying! shes in and out of hospital all the time and a few months ago the specialist told her if she didn't stop drinking she would die in the next 2 years. Unfortunately she is in denial and so has not stopped drinking. She doesn't eat much at all and sometimes will go days without eating. She's under 6 stone now and I can feel every bone in her body when I hug her.

She is an aggressive drunk and I'm sure she has a personality disorder. She completely changes and sometimes appears to have lucid psychotic episodes where she's hallucinating or something. growing up she was verbally abusive and very unstable. For this reason I ended up homeless when trying to do my a levels and fortunately a christian family took me in til I got a place at a hostel.

my step dad is not helpful in the slightest. even after knowing she will die, his reason for carrying on drinking with her is that she will have less there to drink. Nice huh? Needless to say we don't get along however to try keep the peace I've just had to stay civil with him. I did however give the toilet a good clean with his toothbrush so that keeps me from going mad at him. My elder brother has cut all contact with mum for 2 years now .

now with all of this I have bipolar disorder too and was diagnosed about a year ago after an acute breakdown. I basically stopped sleeping and was having an awful time. My mum stopped my real dad seeing me when I was 4 and until I was 17 I was told he was a peado and didn't care to know me. Turns out he couldn't find me Being 400 miles away and after my mum illegally changed my surname.

luckily i have an amazing dad and after meeting him i have realised that there isn't anything wrong with me and it's not my fault I can't help my mum. I've started to let go of the hate I have towards her and accept i cant do anything more to help her except love her unconditionally. She's going to die and I can see it but I cant do anything to stop it now. Miracles happen yes. But maybe she will be at peace when this is all over and so will everyone that loves her. I feel so evil writing about my mum dying but I have to accept iT however much it hurts. 

have tried to keep it short! it's nice to get some of this out of my head even if nobody reads it!! 

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