Time to cut myself off from my mother.

Hi everyone. I am 28 and live in Canada. I feel like I might be a bit old for this forum? But, nonetheless I am here. My mother has been an alcoholic since I was 7 years old. She began drinking heavily when my oldest sister died at the age of 15, suddenly. My mom is a binge drinker. She will have a couple months of functioning like a semi-normal person, but then go on benders that last up to a couple weeks. She has a really hard time when she runs out of alcohol. She has hallucinations, tremors, vomits, etc. All that fun stuff. Her benders usually coincide with something she thinks is a good excuse to drink, such as the anniversary of a loved ones death, or even a celebrity's death. She is severly depressed. She was on medication for it, but has since discontinued because she was unable to drink while taking it. I was lucky enough to not experience too much of the emotional/physical abuse when I was a child. My older sister recieved most of it. My younger brother was too little to remember much. Even I, at the age of 7, have few memories. Plus I think my brain kinda blurred those years a bit, because not only was I a child with a alcoholic mother, but I was grieving my sister's death. 

My mom has promised many times to get better/quit. (I have learned through research now that alcoholics can't really make/keep promises though)

The first time was when I was 16 and she found my diary, read it, and then wrote my a hate letter in it-- then left it on my bed for me to find. She was just drunk and mad that I had secrets, I guess. I showed it to my dad and he couldn't believe it. But I felt so sad/mad, because she got away with it. She never said sorry. If I had wrote her a note like that, I'd have been punished... I didn't get it.

My dad is Captain Denial though. Has been since it began. I can't imagine being in his shoes. Now that I am married, I can't imagine watching the person I love the most in the world kill themselves like this. It isn't easy for me, it can't be for him either.  But sometimes, I wish he'd just leave her.

That's what I am doing. My mom had one of her worst benders this August. I went to visit her while my dad was away on a trip and found her comatose. I couldn't even wake her up. I should have called 911, but I had friends with me and (for the last time) made excuses for her. So I got her to bed, made her some coffee, managed to wake her, got her to drink water. Told my Dad and siblings and her sisters about it, and we found a spot for her in a treatment center  a few hours from home. 

I knew she wouldn't go. I trained myself not to get my hopes up. 

So now she isn't going. 

So now I am cutting myself off from her.

I really have been in this process for years. I have been cut off emotionally since I was old enough to understand what was going on with her. Now I think, for my own sake, it will have to be physically. She lives about 1 hours drive from me. I've decided that I won't be making that drive again. If I want to see my dad, it will be at my home, or in a public place without my mother. This is super hard for me to do. I feel like I am abandoning my mom... but I also feel like she abandoned me, even if it isn't in the truest form of the word. My husband says the greatest tragedy of this whole thing is that I have a mom.... but she's lost, and doesn't want to be found. It's exhausting looking for someone who doesn't want to be found. Eventually you get lost in the woods and die along with them. Well, I choose life. I choose happiness. 

 

Something I have been struggling with is whether or not to tell my mom these things. She knows I am unhappy about her not going to treatment. But do you tell someone you're never going to visit them again? I feel like it will just give her another reason to drink. But if I just stop without a word... maybe it won't be as harsh. 

 

Thanks for listening.

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