Struggling Right Now
First let me appologise for not having been in contact for such a long time, I can't remember the last time I posted. The last several months have been challenging and I feel I have just hit my limit. My mother's drinking is getting worse, particularly as my dad is now working away and I've gone back to Uni. Having been home all Summer, its bought back a lot of bad memories which have hit me in the face now I'm back at Uni, I held it together whilst at home. My nan has just been diagnosed with cancer and although she has a fantastic prognosis, this has sent my mum off the rails. I am more concerned how my mum is going to look after her once she's had surgery as she can barely look after herself. It breaks my heart when my nan finds out that mum has been drinking. I am quite open about mum's drinking now but when nan asks, its always a lie. We recently visited and I felt so guilty when mum was drinking at hers and would avoid my nan so she couldnt speak to me about it. I hate myself for this. My nan has already lost one daughter to alcoholism and she worries so much so I am constantly trying to make her life easier, at the detriment to myself.
I have also been struggling with my own health as I have been dealing with an infection which has wiped out my balance so struggled to function for many months and still stuggling in some aspects. I have just gone back to Uni and I feel like everything has hit me like a sack of spuds. I ended up at the doctors this morning, crying and asking for my anti-depressents to be upped. She made me do a questionnaire and said I didnt score too bad until I told her all of this and broke down and agreed to up them and see me again in a couple of weeks.
I am just trying to hold it together at the moment and feel like I'm about to break, unless I already have. I feel so lonely at the moment. I have missed out on so much the last year due to being ill, lost friends and feel very isolated.
Sorry for the long rant and I hope everyone is keeping well.