Bad or not Bad!?
So all I've even known is my dad the alcoholic, I'm 31 now and strangely enough have never really seen him as anyone or anything else. I've come to realise that my childhood was a complete disaster, My dad is a Binge drinker so can manage a few dry days but then you know when he's got the itch and all hell can break loose. My mum spent my whole childhood trying to help him, she tried what she called 'tough love' but nothing changed their manipulating and violent circle or what we all kept having to go around.
My dad was always the hero to me and my younger sister as he would always fight for us 'literally' and mum just didn't have it in her to show love, stability and actually anything at all... apart from beatings and abuse daily because she couldn't cope with looking after kids in the situation she was in. we spent the first 13-14 years moving around to make 'A fresh start' things would be different this time they both said, each time giving me hope because that's all I ever had was hope.... 16 different schools (which ruined my school life/social relationships), 12 different houses and about 8 different towns/cities.
nothing ever changed of course, dad also committed crimes allsorts to fund his drinking habit and he fell into that circle of people as that's what they knew! when dad went to prison on many occasions I would take on 'lady of the house role' even stealing from as young as I can remember to feed mum and my sister, I came back one day with bags of food from the supermarket, must have been about 6/7yrs and my mum shouted at me because it was mainly chocolate and sweets 'where's the proper food!' I mean what do you expect sending your daughter out stealing! I did this very often.... I mean now I think what a life, how messed up! I don't even see that girl as me!!??
I've spend a lot of my life covering up pretty much everything, trying so hard not to be the person people expect me to be, I became so good at it and pleasing everybody I lost my own self, still trying to find who I am, even now!
I do wonder is their anyone else out there that's been in a similar situation?
I got thrown out at 16 thank goodness, always say it was the best time of my life..... which isn't strictly true, but it gave me air to breath, and a life of my own with no responsibilities... which I had never experienced before! so I went crazy, drank myself to oblivion because I wanted to never feel like my mum and just wanted to be like my dad!!!! how strange that sounds now... luckily after sofa surfing I met someone, the same age as me, even went to my secondary school, he wanted to go to college he said, I had never known anyone with ambition before, this intrigued me... so we got friendly and I moved in with him at 17, by 18 I was pregnant and in a mother and baby home alone again, as that wasn't part of his life plan.. no one not even me could cope with my destructive ways and behaviour after all I was brought up to think hate was love! such a confusing time! I had my first daughter and she 'made me' she saved me, a year later me and her father got back together again and 2 years ago had our 2nd daughter, and yes he went to collage and university, I'm very proud of him... I'm a pro at supporting people, would say I'm the cream in the cake :)
I'm not going to lie and pretend its been easy it most definitely hasn't and the hardest bit is trying to hold down a 'normal' relationship myself. With my partner and daughters, its just such hard work but I do it because I love my little family, but why does it take so much energy when everybody else makes it look easy?
The worst part is my mum left my dad 10 years ago and started a new family , even got married had another baby, basically left her 3 daughters to find happiness... she lives away and theirs little their to be honest between us...she still calls me asking me for my opinion and relying on me, but if its the other way round she doesn't have the time!
my dad is an hour and a half away and still an alcoholic to my sadness but I worry even more now, as he's alone, I'm still hoping that one day he will stop.... during my adult years I've tried so much to help him, encouragement, help, support even offering him to stay with us thinking that may help in some way... but nothing! when he visits he normally ends up rolling in drunk in front of my girls (maybe 4/6 times a year) but what can I do? turn my venerable drunk dad away, I couldn't after all he was the parent that loved and still does love me...
How do you all live with the parents that haven't got better yet? or maybe the ones that don't want to change, any suggestions would be amazing...
where do I go from here? at the moment I just feel stuck, cant move forwards or backwards, I want to be successful but why cant I be? my partner has his career but I cant seem to concentrate or work out how or what I need... I think even the word 'myself' scares me.... I suppose one main question to myself is 'how do I look after myself' sounds crazy when I'm so good at looking after everybody else!
I wish I had found this association a long time ago... as its very difficult to keep it all bottled up inside, showing everybody what they want to see on the outside, but knowing inside something's different, and just wanting to lash out at the world hoping someone would understand.
3 years ago I lost my support 'my nan' my dads family live in Liverpool and that was my safety... me and dad used to visit just us two and everyone was always the same, soooooooo loving and kind and just the best, I knew I always had them. but when nan and granddad went, my safety went tooo I no longer belonged, I mean I know I do really but the cream in the cake wasn't their anymore.. since I think I've been through a 3 year breakdown but no-one in the family to really pull me aside and actually take the time to find out, and I don't even know whats happened to me during this time, its all just a blur! its made my dad drink even more and just everyone a little more further away, I just want to know what should I do I feel so crazy, stuck and isolated!
Ok so think I've just blurted out quite a lot, hope its not too bad as never wrote anything like this before and advise would be much appreciated...