The past catching up with me
Recently I asked for help, I said I needed ways that I could control my emotions instead of them controlling me. I cry you see, at most things but especially when it comes to talking about myself or trying to put my point across. And I was worried how this will affect my future job prospects, and my life in general. I need it to stop I just didn't know how. The counselling I received was only a short term thing and in that time I discovered that all of the experiences I had when I was younger are still affecting me, the reason for this was I had suppressed everything. I had no idea and this hit me like a bomb.
A brief history of me is I was raised in a alcoholic household, my father had the disease before it killed him and in that time he managed to damage us all, my siblings, my mother and myself. He drank, he shouted, he punished and he touched what he shouldn't have. What's worse is he was loved by all who knew him as an upstanding member of the community. He died alone, and was found after 3 days. Since him what I didn't realise was I had been letting other people (mostly men) continue to damage my self esteem, my body and my soul without any regard for my own well being.
I had not realised that I had no self worth. Now I do have some but not enough not to self harm through food or even alcohol at times (although I have a better handle on this now). Abuse of food however and a lack of self confidence are what I am struggling with right now. During the counselling sessions I ended up purging most of what had happened to me. This was very cathartic and did help some however, since the sessions ended I have felt like I'm drowning. I have held onto this for so long that now I have started to release it I can't stop it and do not know what to do or how to handle the flood. I am strong and capable and all I wanted to do was be able to not cry and now that seems an impossibility.
I won't let this affect my children (who do not know any of this) they are to young and never knew my dad, he died before I let my self become a mother. But I need some help on how to rid myself from all this emotion. I managed to stop an huge panic attack the other night, I can't remember ever having one that strong and it felt like drowning. I can't risk the chance it may happen again. I am a survivor and I now know that when I said No as a young girl I stopped worse things happening to me but that knowledge in itself has opened wounds I thought had healed.
Can someone give me advise on how to best manage these emotions, please? Thank you.