my mum has been drinking as long as I can remember

hi I'm Freya, I'm 17 years old and my mum is an alcoholic.

She (my mum) has been drinking for as long as I can remember. For years I must have thought her behaviours even when she wasn't drinking were normal motherly behaviours but I've quickly realised there not at all the older and more socially aware I became.

she no longer lives with me or my family (younger brother, older sister and my dad) which is a blessing. I used to dread coming home to her asleep on the sofa with empty wine bottles by her side, and cigarette ashes in a bowl making the whole house stink of smoke. Rushing my brother upstairs so he didn't make to much noise to wake her. but we always did. screaming matches from 4:00pm till 3:00am from mum and anyone in her wall path (apart from my younger brother we always protected him). I couldn't escaped it or even just go to sleep until it had stopped as me and my sister would take it in turns to sit on the stairs watching the fights between mum and dad hoping it didn't get physical whilst the other watching and distracting are brother so he didn't have to hear everything that was going on... to be honest these were just the week days the weekend would be worse much worse as we couldn't all escape the house for 6 hours a day we were stuck with her ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT.

These would happen in episodes lasting 3 days to 3 weeks. Then we would all have a BS 'family meeting' about how stressed out mum is due to us kids being lazy and horrible to mum all the time and how we needed to change in order for her to change. Dad would even sit there and agree blaming me and my sister for mum being stressed as well as himself. He really loved my mum... He still does, but he knows no one would forgive him for going back to her.

Anyway the police quickly started to get involved as well as social services as us children would breakdown at school in the middle of lessons and we just couldn't cope and didn't know how to deal with it at the time, I've gotten used to it now, so although it doesn't hurt less when mum starts drinking I can just handle it better. Mum had to move out because we got an injunction on the house and on dad.

she quickly moved on to a guy who lived round the corner, which lasted all of 2 seconds before she broke his front window. We all felt bad for him, I think me, dad and sister feel like she's are responsibility and we have to fix all her problems, like she's my daughter not the other way round.

she then became homeless which is heart breaking to hear and I did and do feel sorry for her but we just couldn't have her back in the house it just wasn't healthy for any of us.

she is now living with her new boyfriend, and this summer put herself in rehab for a month. she was then sober for 5 weeks, which doesn't seem long but for her it was good I guess.

on Saturday she was meant to pick me up and take me to dancing, she never showed. she told me she relapsed but I know she's drinking right now.

I don't know where she is, who she's with or what she's doing and I say I don't care but of course I do. I've mothered this woman for 10 years now its just natural now. I know all about alcoholism and the 12 step program and AA and smart recovery and I know all the BS about it not being their fault and how its a disease. However this does not change the fact I live MY life in constant question if its my fault and weather I did something wrong, I live MY life not being able to trust anyone fully because the one person I should be able to rely on and trust constantly lets and keeps letting me down, and I live my life constantly angry at everyone around me because I've had to grow up to fast and become a parent to a women who is meant to be my parent.