Alcoholic mother - what do I do?

Hi, I’ve just joined this forum and thank god I found it. I am struggling. More than my family or partner reaslides because that’s part of being a child of a alcoholic, right? We are the strong ones. We don’t get to be weak or break down because we’ve played the role of the parent for years. I am 23 - my Mum has been drinking for a sling as I can remember. Things took a real turn for the worse when my sister passed away four years ago. She was terminally ill - but my Mum... it broke her. I had always parentsd her, helped, made excuses, done EVERYTHING I could to convince myself and friends that I was fine. That I had a “normal” life. Shame is something that comes hand in hand with having an alcoholic parent, I don’t even truly understand why myself but we seem to want to create this illusion that we have it handed. I’ve had it handed for YEARS. I am losing my grip on everything. We haven’t been spoken. For moths. This last year we’ve dipped in and out of contact which I have never done before. It’s just easier. She’s so destructive and terrible - she’s like poison to mine and my sister’s lives. How do you allow yourself to keep having to deal with that? So we currently aren’t talking and for the all the reasons I’ve said it make sense. Because I can’t keep bringing over an emergency bottle of wine because she’s skint and she’s going through withdrawal, crying, begging on the phone. No, I wouldn’t normally bring her alcohol or encourage this behaviour if I could help it but the doctors told us withdrawal, at this point, would likely kill her. I want a mum, I want someone who I can share my life with. I’m so jealous of my friends! I’m so jealous of the relationships they have with their Mums - it is I want! To not dread a family event because she’ll be drunk and ruin it. To call her at 10 am and her not to be drunk. It all makes sense - cutting her out is what I need for my own mental health. Yet I lay awake worrying. I wait for the phone call that she’s finally drank herself to death. I live in fear! It eats away at me, I am burdened with memories of my early childhood where she was caring and herself. A woman she hasn’t been in such a long time.

I guess I’m asking - what did you do? What should I do? Do I cut her out and live through that agony? Do I cope with the heartbreak and allow her in anyway? She’s my mum! Despite everything she raised me, loved me and did the best she could. It wasn’t the best job but she tried. And I know that she loves me. Yet she’s so mean! I’ve never known a woman to be so bitter and cruel and she will intentionally manipulate, lie and put me down to make herself feel better.

I’ve dealt with this my entire life. Yet the last 12 months have been the hardest. I feel lost and alone because despite what people say- they just don’t get it. Help?