Hello...

Hello, i have only just joined coap and im not too sure where to start, i have read alot of the stories and quite a few of them realte to me. I just need someone to talk to... Basically, it all started 3 years ago when my dad died. Ive lived with my stepdad my whole life (im 15) but saw my dad regularly and spoke everyday. My dad used to beat my mum everyday for 8 years before she left him. I have 2 real brothers from my mum and dad and 2 sisters from my mum and stepdad. In my house there has always been this divide between the different surnames... and because my family is quite big there is just me and my 2 brothers who are the "outsiders" but i have always been the black sheep of the family. My dad was a violent alchoholic and was eventually diagnosed with cardiomiopathy which killed him one day at work and he just dropped dead... My stepdad has become a heavy drinker since my dad died and now we do not get on at all. My stepdad was drunk a couple of months ago and threatened to hit me, when i told him to go ahead and do it during the argument, he grabbed both my arms and pushed me against the kitchen door. The next day i moved out for a few weeks and stayed with a friend. When my mum and stepdad married 2 years ago, although i was close to my dad, i made a speech at the wedding and told my stepdad i wanted to call him dad because he had always been there for me. When i moved back home, my mum wanted us to talk and basically he threw that offer back in my face telling me he didnt want me thinking of him as my dad or calling him dad. About 3 years ago, my stepdad made my mum and i a promise that he would give up drinking although he still wont admit he has a problem. That promise lasted 6 days... Now, he drinks every single night and will happily sit there and drink 2 bottles of scotch a night to himself. My stepdad had a heart attack just after the wedding 2 years ago caused by his drinking, smoking and stress. We have all tried everything we can to help. He never has any money because he spends it all on alchohol and my mum ends up paying for bills etc... My little sisters are only 10 and 12, and i know what it was like to lose my dad, it hurt. It broke my heart. I dont want my little sisters going through that because it will destroy them. It will destroy me too because i have already lost my dad, i dont want to lose him aswell and the way he is carrying on, that could be pretty soon. I just need some guidance...or help. I really dont know what to do. I self harm regularly and my arms are full of scars. I dont wanna be this person anymore, i dont want to be this fake, i want to be me again like i was 3 years ago. Someone, Help. Please.

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