life

So, I'm really just here to vent some of my frustrations, I haven't done anything like this before but I'm tired of talking to my friends and boyfriend when they clearly have no idea why I'm so upset. 'Oh I'm sure it'll be alright' doesn't really help much!

So, my mum is an alcoholic. She's not a drink as soon as she wakes up kind of alcoholic, but she drinks every night without fail and has done for years. I guess I only really started to notice it when I was about 15/16, I knew that she'd finish work at 6, come home, put her nightie on and start drinking soon afterwards. I used to live with my mum, dad, brother and my nana (who's my mum's mum), but my nana's mentally ill, probably as a result of mis-diagnosed post natal depression in the 50's, they thought she was 'insane' and so she got electric shock treatment, the works, which probably made her the way she is today. She doesn't take a lot of looking after, she refuses to eat much and can't see very well so doesn't move out of her bedroom very much. ANYWAY, my mum is the sole carer for my nana, so I guess that adds a lot of stress onto her. My grandad (mum's dad) died long before I was born, and that hit her really hard (she recently told me she tried to commit suicide when he died). Anyway, soon after she gave birth to my brother my dad ran off with another woman, but they got back together, and they had me and got married. While we were growing up me and my brother were polar opposites, I was quiet, involved in a drama company and dancing etc, while my brother was naughty, he was in and out of trouble with the police for years, adding excess stress onto my mum. My dad has never really 'been there', I really have no idea what a proper relationship with a father is. I can't talk to him, can't ask for help, I can't even make conversation with him because we have no common ground. So he provided no support for my mum while she was struggling with my brother and my nana, so she must have turned to drinking around that time. Once she had to go to hospital because she'd got so drunk (on a sunday afternoon) she'd fallen up a step and cut her leg open. I also remember once my mum being so drunk in the kitchen, and i was screaming at my dad and crying, asking 'why aren't you stopping her?? why won't you make her not do it?' and he said 'there's nothing i can do, she won't listen to me', coward. He went on to have 2 more affairs (that we knew of) and he left my mum the week before christmas last year. Not exactly helping her with her drinking. There's 2 people i this world you are supposed to trust and believe in unconditionally, and I can't trust either of them. Anyway, he left her while I was away at university, so her only support was my brother. He'd really turned around since he left, he helped her with everything she needed, he was so supportive. Then in July this year he got sent to prison for an offence he committed almost 2 years ago. Of all the times for this to happen, it happens now.

So there's the whole back story.

When I was 17 i rung an alcohol advice line during my lunch break in college. I gave my mum the numbers and she agreed to go to counselling, I honestly thought it was better. Then I went to university, and she was alone a lot, so she drank. I learnt to avoid every single call off her if it came later than say 8 o'clock, because it would inevitably be her slurring down the phone, and I hated it. She'd agree to lend me money for help with bills, then call up drunk saying she couldn't afford to help me but she was still going to, basically guilt tripping me, i was so confused. It's hard to have your own life when you're worrying about her being alone, but I can't be there all the time, I need time away from her, for myself.

So I graduated in June, and I've been back home. I know she drinks, nowhere near as much as she used to, but she does. One night after a night out I was coming home and ran out of money, so the taxi driver dropped me about a 20 minutes walk away (but a 2 minute drive) in a really rough area. I rung my mum to ask her to come and get me, but she was drunk, so couldn't. I feel like I just can't depend on her at all.

One of the most serious events happened on our holiday, just 2 months ago. We went away, just me, her and my boyfriend, and we were all staying in the same caravan. One day I checked her room (I'm sure I'm not the first to check her parents room for alcohol) and found a box of wine, and a can of gin and tonic, so i confronted her. Her first comment was 'oh, been rooting have you?' nice. so I said well you were going to bed but your light stayed on for hours, so I knew. Then she said 'Maybe I've got a problem', possibly one of THE MOST stupid things I've ever heard anyone say, she knows she has a problem!!! Anyway, we cleared it up, made friends again, she made a lot of promises, I believed her because I do everytime. Then a couple of nights later me and my boyfriend woke up at 5am by a loud crash. Turns out she'd really needed the toilet, but couldn't hold it on the way to the bathroom, so didn't even make it there. What woke us was her trying to clean the mess up, and falling into a table. I have never been so stunned, and furious at anyone. Just when I was really starting to believe her, I just needed her to prove herself and she messed it up within 2 days of us talking about it. I felt like an idiot. I was also really embarrassed for my boyfriend, he shouldn't have to see that kind of thing. Luckily he's a good person, he kept me sane that week. It was a good thing he saw what happened, since now he understands a bit more.

It's really impacting on me since I've been living at home. I worry about my own relationship with alcohol, I'm also struggling with self confidence massively. I get so, so down sometimes.

Since we've been back she's promised to get help again, she has her first clinic appointment on monday. I'm praying this time it works out.

My problems are nowhere near as bad as a lot of yours, my mum has never been physical, or verbally abusive. But I really feel for everyone on here, I know how it is to keep putting your faith into someone and them letting you down.

if you've read this far, i really appreciate it, it's been a lot of ranting!

Thank you :)

Forums: