the poison that is alcohol

hi, im kelly, im 24 years old and ever since i can remember, my dad has been an alcoholic. Even at a young age, i knew there was a problem with his drinking habits, because when he was "off" the beer he was the nicest man in the world, but when he was drunk, it was like he had morthed into a different person, almost like jeckell and hyde.the things my mum put up with in 18 years off marriage to my dad would effect anyone, i probably dont know half of, or maybe i choose not to remember, who knows???she suffered at the hands of my dad in many ways. she was made to feel worthless, belittled her, made her into a nervous wreck, also physically abused her way 2 many times than i care to remember.if i was to ask my mum what the worst part of those 18 years was, she would say, allowing her children 2 grow up in an enviroment that was so unstable and so was like walking on egg shells most of the time, you never knew what mood he would b in or when he was gonna next hit my mum.There would be the times my mum would get the courage to leave him, well infact, running as fast as she could with a black bag of clothes and 3 screaming children behind her, running for the safety of her own mothers arms.we would stay at grans for weeks at a time, sometimes even months, my dad would go int an alcoholics sheltered accomodation, and he would stay sober, promising both mum and us that he would stay sober,my mum always fell for it, i think deep down though, she knew he would never change. we never had much money, my dad didnt work for long periods of time, and my mum never had the confidence to look at people, let alone, work with and speak to people she didnt know, her confidence was shattered!my dad spent what we had on alcohol, when he run out, we would knock on neighbours doors with notes askin 2 borrow from was humiliating, to say the mum finally left my dad when i was 14 or 15 and where is he now???well, since splitting from my mum, his drinking got considerably worse, infact how is still alive is a miracle.He left our home and eventually ended up homeless. when we were kids, he would always ask us wud we disown him or walk past him with no aknowledgement if he ended up homeless, and look where he is now!!!id say he has been living on the streets for 7 years or more now, still drinking, not bothering with his kids or his grandkids! we hear from him frm time to time, when he is in prison doin a few months for stealing alcohol frm the shop or drunk and disorderly.or the police will get in touch 2 say he is in hospital from trying to kill himself!!! the last was swallowing glass, time before, swallowing razorblades and the time before that was setting himself on fire.each time i would go running or ringing round only 2 find he has discharged himself, not 2 here anything from him for 6 to 12 months or even longer. im always wondering when i will get a phone call to say he is dead or to see his face on the news, its not a nice feeling atall, i can tell you!after everything that i have said, do u think i hate my dad??? well the answer is no, i love my dad so so much, i misss him, i just wnt my dad like any one does but the thing is, i cant. Untill my dad WANTS to give up drinkin, no one or nothing is going to stop him, its down to him and him alone. alcohol has a lot to answer for, it ruins lives, directly and indirectly! it is a poison and once it gets hold ov u in that vicious way it does, it can take forever to break that chain. i just hope my dad does before its to late! thank you for reading, i feel great 2 b able 2 talk about it! kelly xxxxxx