death of alcoholic father

well i came across this site of how to deal with the death of my father who had past on sept. 28th of 08, and i happened to b 8 months pregnant with my second child nd his 8th grandchild, and he was only 49 when he psat. to make a long sbretory short he was a long term alcoholic i figured it make it easier knowin that he was going to die eventually from the abuse but never expectd it to come up like it did. A couple years ago he was at workand had a pretty sever seizure from the lack of alcohol in his system,and we then realized if he didnt have it his system it would shut down on from being so depended on it, well on sunday actually monday morning about 3 am i got a phone clal from my step mom saying she found my dad face down in bed not breathing and she resatated him and called 911 parmedics got there hacving to resitate him again, and too the hospital, i made it there by the time the paramedics got there, come to find out he was w/o oxygen for at least 20 mins, and he was bleeding from the esphagus and his eyes and nose and mouth, and was completly bleeding out, at about 4 am the doctor asked all family to come to adecison if we transfer him to another hospital where they can try and give him surgery to fix sum damages and more blood b.c the one he was at ran out, or pull him off life support and let him go, if we would of kept him on life support he was considered brain dead, so we pulled him at 6. am and his heart stopped a long 53 mintes later, and as the days go on the hurt gets worse and wondering if i woulda been if he could of been there to see my child born like he did the first all of the ifs, but i still cant let myself break down y not nad why isnt itgettn any easier??