mum's gone missing


I’ve just joined. My mum is an alcoholic and has been for years. She does all the usual stuff- gets into trouble at work for not turning up, has been arrested a couple of times, steals alcohol from the shop, has been found passed out on the street and kind people bring her home. She isn’t violent (providing you don’t try and take the alcohol away) and mainly just lays on the sofa half asleep half crying all drinking. Everytime I think it can’t get any worse it does. At the moment she has disappeared. She’s started doing it recently, for a couple of days and there’s no point registering her as a missing person now. It really annoys me when she does this because I don’t understand why someone would choose to sleep on the street or in the car when you have a house to live in. Actually that’s not true it annoys me because I get so scared for her I can’t concentrate I wish she’d just drink at home rather than on the street cos anything could happen. And when I try and talk to people they don’t understand- I say ‘my mum hasn’t been seen since Saturday morning’ and they are so shocked but they don’t know it happens all the time. I don’t feel like she will ever stop and I think it will only get worse. I really just want someone to sort it out but I know they can’t. I really want her to stop drinking. I just watch her slowly killing herself and generally being such a mess. I just want to cry but I can’t- I’m at work- and more than that I can’t cry every time she gets like this because I wont ever stop crying! I’m 24 and I my heart gets so heavy that I think it will fall through me. She knows she is an alcoholic. When she first admitted it, about 10 years ago, I thought ‘great- she’ll stop now’ but it’s only gotten worse. Everything has only ever gotten worse. I know I have to accept that she is like this- that’s what they all say, you can’t change it, you just have to accept it, but I find it really difficult to do that. I can’t accept that my mum is such a mess and can’t stop drinking and gets herself into such messes for so long every time. She looks like a disgrace- not eating, not washing, can’t walk in a straight line, stealing. I feel like I hate her but I know I don’t. I’ve tried al-anon, the power of now etc but it didn’t make me feel better. I can't accept it