people always use to say im just angry...
i have just been clearing out a draw full of papers ( post xmas clear out i think!) and i came across something i wrote when i was really struggling to cope with my brothers' addiction to drugs .Many people around me just thought i was often angry and i would have mood swings. It was written 5 years ago now but when i read it all the emotions came back like it was yesterday. I thought id share it as helped me so much. By writing how i was really feeling down as it made me realise that i wasnt just an angry person , i was just finding life so hard. so here are all the feelings that i was actually feeling.
Fear- fear of my brother dying, fearful of where drugs would take my brother. fearful of my mum being harmed and my mum dying from the stress.
powerless- i felt so powerless as we both lived at home ,with my son. powerless to stop him using in the house, to stop him from stealing from me. powerless to protect my son.
disrespected- not listened to by the family
anger- about living with drugs in the house. being made to live in the house with drugs. anger towards him stealing, having to always hide my belongings. anger at him turning up to my god fathers' funeral completly out of his head.
fustration- at my brother pretending to be clean to my mum, even thought i new he wasnt. fustration at my brother aways getting money off people. fustration that all the warning signs wern't taken seriously.
anxiety- that he wouldn't make my wedding. anxiety of harm coming to my mum and later on my son. general panic of what was happening.
sadness- sadness that i was felt to feel like i had the problem and was over reacting.
humiliation- my brother, to cover for himself, telling stories about me to mum. humiliation that the first time my husband met him he was completly out of it
hurt-hurt that he wasnt involved in my weeding more, especially as our dad had died the year before. hurt that no one was grieving for dad as all the focus was on my brother