this is new

Hi

my writing and spelling skills are not very good so i am truely sorry if this dosent makes sense. please ask questions if you dont understand  anything i wrote 

This is all new to me and it’s the first time I have been on a online site like this. I am 20 years old,one of many siblings and I  live with my  mother who has a drinking problem. She had this problem since I was the age of 10 and a bit below .She started to causal drink like once a week then my family got hit with a bit problem that lasted a while when I was a child which my mother at the time emotionally couldn’t handle this so she choose drinking as something to relax herself and to sleep at night I think. I acted older then I did when I was the age of 10 because I felt I had to be there for my mum when this issue was going on also get bullied most days  threw primary school so I had a lot on my plate at the age of 10 as I acted older then I did I some how coped with these issues which was going on .When this type of  issue went away I was 15 years old  so I was at the age of under standing that  there was a problem with my mum. most evenings  she wasn’t sober so I couldn’t talk to her . if I did try and have a conversation they weren’t very nice ones. Living like this made me angry and started to loose a relationship with her aswell there was moments when she would always  stick up for others around me who would argue with me and not defend my side.So I grew up with hell of lot anger and tears which is still inside me today but half under the bridge which I think is best at the moment.

 

 I would class myself as a strong minded person but some times I have moments when I want to break down and just cry I feel lost most of the time and have a constant worried thoughts in my head which I find draining. I tried to do everything the best I can do and try and make a impact on peoples lives such as my mums but Its like fighting in a loosing battle. I lost my grandmother about 3 in a half years ago this made a bit of a impact on my mother myself and other family members .We were all hurt from this which obv was normal and this day I have moments when I do find it hard her not being in my life any more. There are many different issues that effects my mum and makes her upset but she only gets emotionally upset when she has a drink and this at times is really draining for me i end up building a ‘’I don’t care ‘’ wall this wall is my wall is what I put up when i used to get so upset over something I actually started to not get so upset over it as I didn’t have the energy to  so when my mum gets emotional it  doesn’t  make me upset anymore but frustrating .Would you say this is normal? .

 

 

I find living with her so draining especially with what I do day to day. She has moments when she will stop drinking for months then go back to it and when she dose we get into arguments most of the time and she will turn around and say some hurtful stuff to me which spuriously don’t bother me any more. Some nights when she drinks I don’t give a crap but other nights when she dose I feel lost and I feel like my mother isn’t my mother any more.As I am so emotionally drained I am starting to feel tired a lot and sometimes I loose my appetite and the sight of food makes me feel sick. At this point I have hit a wall and I feel like im  loosing my patients  so I knew I had to do something about this  and I find some type of help.

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