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| Personal experiences of growing up with an alcoholic parent. If you wish to contribute your own experience, please contact
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| I have cared for my dad for half of my adult life and I'm not going to do it any more. |
| Over the years I stepped in to help him recover from various benders, then 3 years ago he fell down the stairs drunk and broke his back and several ribs. [read more]. |
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| My dad won’t stop! |
| My mum and dad split up because my dad was drinking. It started when mum started to find beer bottles and wine hidden all around the house. [read more]. |
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| My name is Joe. I am the child of two alcoholics. |
| Or at least that’s what I would say if I was actually standing before you right now... probably fidgeting nervously, heartbeat quickened with anxiety ridden nostalgia. [read more]. |
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| I still remember sitting in the corridor outside my room, listening to my parents yelling at each other. But even through threats, abuse and shouting I never knew alcohol was the problem. |
| As a small child I didn't really notice anything was up. I mean, I knew my Dad was bad tempered. Me and my mum used to have jokes about it, imitating him and such. But I never knew it was related to alcohol and it never really affected me. [read more]. |
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| …it just scared me, living in a house full of boxes of delivered wine, shouting parents, empty bottles. |
| I read some of the personal experiences here and I decided to try writing down my own, reading them helped me and if it might help someone else then I’d like to give it a go. [read more]. |
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| I would try and hide things from everyone. I became obsessed about being ‘normal’ and I craved things that seemed normal. |
| I was 17 when my mam died. She had been ill for many years and when it eventually happened I was devastated. It had been a long struggle - she was an alcoholic for over 25 years. [read more]. |
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| I vowed, even as early as eight or nine, that I would never ever inflict this kind of torture -- of being a child of an alcoholic parent -- on a child myself |
| My dad was in India when I was born; it was the end of World War II and I didn't meet him until I was about eighteen months. My memories of my childhood are intermittent. But certain memories are vivid. And they scarred me for ever. [read more]. |
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| I feel like every pothole of my ACOA journey was worth it when I see my incredible girls grow. |
I forgave her and could not have done that without my support groups and my
sponsor. I was able to forgive the person who I wished was dead on a daily basis. [read more]. |
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| My teenage years were blighted by alcohol having a higher priority than me. |
| I'm moved to write after listening to Woman's Hour today, and hearing both Tracey and Lauren's experiences of growing up with alcohol dependant parents. [read more]. |
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| I heard your organisation on Radio 4 today. |
| I just wanted to write and say how pleased I am that there is someone to care. [read more]. |
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| It was all hidden, my mum was the classic secret drinker |
| I don't think you ever recover from growing up with an alcoholic parent. What is interesting is how far you go to hide it. [read more]. |
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| I don't remember anyone coming to look for us. |
| I left the Meeting House with tears streaming down my face; they continued all the way on the Tube to Waterloo and then the train home. Listening to her words brought it all back; after every few sentences I wanted to shout out "that was me". It's still hard to believe that someone else went through all that. I'm feeling a bit emotional even now as I write this. [read more]. |
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| It is as if he knows that the second he admits to himself he has a drinking problem, then it becomes real. |
| My dad is an alcoholic. It seems that everyone can see that except for him. To myself, my mum, and my younger brother and sister, it’s the norm for my dad to drink at least two bottles of red wine every night of the week. [read more]. |
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| You are not your parent’s mistakes; you are the successor of them |
My Mum is an alcoholic; I am a child of an alcoholic. But I am also a woman, who likes the X factor, the colour purple, has a penchant for kissing and shopping and has a crush on Alan Hansen.
[read more]. |
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| He never abused me or my sister... |
| He never abused me or my sister, physically or verbally, all he did all day was sit, drink and watch television. He stopped eating, answering the phone and the only time he would leave the house was to buy more booze. [read more]. |
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| Some people may judge my mother for her illness, and call her an unfit parent. Don’t. |
| I would compare my life to a ghost train at your local fair. Lonely. Dark. Haunted. Erratic. Full of nasty surprises. I am the child of an alcoholic. [read more]. |
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| A Poem for Nacoa. |
| After all these years the one thing I have learnt is that the past doesn’t define who we are, we do in each new moment. [read more]. |
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| After my dad died. |
My dad left me five years ago now
He killed himself and I know how
It was all my fault. [read more]. |
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| If there's one thing I've learned it's never blame yourself for your parent's drinking. |
| My name is Susie and I'm 16 years old. For as long as I can remember my dad has been an alcoholic. I clearly remember one time when I was about seven. He came home drunk and falling over. I hid upstairs in my room and heard my parents argue. [read more]. |
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| Please, if you know someone who drinks |
| Please, if you know someone who drinks try one more time to persuade them to get help, even if you know they won't listen, because you never know how long it will be before it will be too late to get help. [read more]. |
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| Mum's 70th birthday |
| I hope mum will take this letter in the manner in which it is meant and that I have not or never will portion blame to either of my parents for anything that has happened in the past. [read more]. |
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| The Fall |
| I hope mum will take this letter in the manner in which it is meant and that I have not or never will portion blame to either of my parents for anything that has happened in the past. [read more]. |
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| The damage letter. |
| I hope mum will take this letter in the manner in which it is meant and that I have not or never will portion blame to either of my parents for anything that has happened in the past. [read more]. |
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| He could not stop. |
| It gave him the courage to live but ultimately killed him. [read more]. |
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| There is always a light, if only a tiny flicker... |
| When my mum passed away last year after suffering from alcohol dependence for as long as I could remember - I turned 40 in the same week - it brought with it a complete mixture of blessings, grief, relief and many unexplored emotions. [read more]. |
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| So it wasn't the drink after all. |
| My earliest childhood memory is very vague, and I often wonder if it's my memory or just what people have told me. I was 13 months old, I was on a bed, being wheeled through the hospital by two porters. One of my legs was broken. Supposedly because I "wriggled" so much as my Mum changed my nappy. [read more]. |
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| My Dad died 6 years ago on July 28th. My mum began to drink more and more as a result of this. |
| Between the years of 2001 and 2004 my mum tried to kill herself 5 times. She was driving whilst under in influence, she was not looking after my dog, one time he was not fed for 3days, I hated her for it as it was not his choice, she was making the choice to drink and didn’t care for anyone but herself. [read more]. |
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| I don't remember a lot about my childhood... |
| As I have read from other experiences on the website, my counsellor linked a lot of my adult behaviour to having been brought up in a household with an alcoholic mother. [read more]. |
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| Families and how to survive |
| Even in recovery family life is fraught with tension. [read more]. |
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| CHRISTMAS in our home |
| CHRISTMAS in our home, meant, like other Christian festivals, a time when there would be more drunkenness, more fights; more rows and a feeling of being even more different than the rest of our neighbours. [read more]. |
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| I just read the letter |
| I just read the letter "Two Mothers" and couldn’t believe my eyes. The similarities hit a nerve. My mother has had a drink problem for at least 23 years. [read more]. |
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| Innocent or Guilty? |
| When you are the child of an alcoholic, you don’t know if you are innocent or guilty. [read more]. |
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| I hope you can create something good out of something bad, and thereby transcend and transform it. |
| My mother has been an alcoholic for thirty years. Now, she is in and out of hospital, but still in denial. [read more]. |
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| Alcohol caused me to lose the only things that have ever really mattered to me - my three super girls. |
| I spent ten years as the lonely single parent of three lovely daughters. I spent the last seven of those ten years with a bottle of wine for company. [read more]. |
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| For all those children out there that have to put up with alcoholics, you love the person you just hate what they are doing and that it is NEVER your fault. |
| My name is Rachel. I am 18 years old and the eldest out of 6. Up until today I have always known my mum had an alcohol problem, a big one at that which goes all the way back then I can remember. [read more]. |
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| I was 18 before I could admit out loud to myself that my father was actually an alcoholic. |
| I suffered the confusion and unhappiness of not understanding why one minute my dad could be the most amazing man in the world, yet the next he was an ugly, frightening man. [read more]. |
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| The conspiracy of silence has made sure I never ask. |
| I’m fairly sure that when my Mum was the age I am now, 30, she was on the way to, if not actually, an alcoholic. [read more]. |
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| Every time I watched her buy alcohol my heart sank. |
| Each time I withdrew a bit more until I was able to disconnect myself from the world around me and withdraw into my private safe world. I still go there sometimes. [read more]. |
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| I had a crazy upbringing due to alcohol. |
| Growing up in a severely dysfunctional environment has made it so hard to fit in with other people as my reactions are so different to others and I feel very self-conscious about it. [read more]. |
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| When I was younger I always knew there was something not quite right. |
| Dad would drink wine every single night but I didn’t think anything of it. [read more]. |
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| How can you love the person that made you cry? |
| From as long as I could remember my mum was a drunk. She had been for years. [read more]. |
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| I was raised by a loving and caring single mother. |
| It took me years to admit to myself that I had a mother suffering from alcoholism. I hid it from myself, as I did not want to come to terms with the guilt, shame and the reality of it. [read more]. |
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| I am 60 years of age and was born with an alcoholic mother. |
| I wasn't allowed any friends in the house nor did I have any birthday parties or go to any parties. [read more]. |
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| I tried to act normal. |
| I went to school and tried to act normal but when I got home usually I would cook tea and look after my mum. [read more]. |
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| I read the letter to children, it made me cry as I recalled various memories and feelings long put away. |
| One of my first memories is going to a shop with my Mum while she bought a square green bottle wrapped up with tissue paper. The shop had a strange smell, not like a toyshop or a bakers shop. Even today, walking into an off license reminds me of childhood. The green bottle was gin. [read more]. |
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| The person I was, was frightened by rejection, holds back feeling and keeps quiet. |
| I have read all the self help books and I have to say if I hadn't read them to this day I don’t think I would have ever understood why I’m like I am. [read more]. |
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| Don't be afraid to ask for help. |
| I had a feeling then that something was different and that she was not meant to be acting in this way. I lived with being a carer for her from when I was 5 to when I was nearly 15. [read more]. |
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| Hi, my name is Bill and I’m an alcoholic |
| I realized I had spent most of my life in fear, fear of rejection, of not being loved. Alcohol allowed me to feel like I fitted in but every drink I took demanded I took another and another. [read more]. |
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| I couldn't sleep, you know how it is - things on your mind… |
| You are constantly saddened, and unable to ignore great grief and suffering of anyone in the world, and absorb everyone's trauma like a sponge. [read more]. |
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| Coming home from school was terrifying. |
| I knew every floorboard that creaked, every door that squeaked and became expert at moving silently. I practised when he was out. Sometimes he’d collapsed on the sofa and I wouldn't wake him; this equalled a good day, but sometimes he would be waiting for me. [read more]. |
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| “Don’t trust, don’t talk, don’t feel,” these are the rules of a dysfunctional family. |
| The alcoholism and the madness left little room for me to grow up safely and to discover my own needs, capabilities and limitations. Instead I adapted to the violence around me. [read more]. |
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| I was aware that my dad was different... |
| If I try to remember childhood memories of my dad I can only think of negative ones, about his drink problem. [read more]. |
| | All the love in the world would not have made a difference |
| I know it is not that far to hit rock bottom nor for that matter to go the other way and achieve great things. [read more]. |
| | Sharing pain, giving hope |
| As a perfect child of an alcoholic, I had told no one my story. Facing my past was hard but I felt like I was coming home. [read more] |
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| Crying inside, nowhere to go |
| Being a child of an alcoholic family, I was sexually abused, beaten, humiliated out of my mind and sometimes I felt that was a good day. The bad days were when I was waiting for something to happen. [read more] |
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| The two mothers |
| I have no memories of my first seven years. Memories of later times cause me to dread the realities of the forgotten experience. I used to come home from school dreading what I might find. [read more] |
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| Safe as houses |
| The drinking goes on and you are always afraid at night when you are on your own and him downstairs drinking. No one hits you, yells at you. But there is a great secret, betrayed only by the knowing looks of others - you are ashamed. [read more] |
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| Inside I felt completely empty |
| From the outside it was a life that many people would envy but my strongest childhood memory is one of fear. [read more]. |
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| You are not alone |
| Being brought up in an alcoholic family I was used to living in chaos and fear and learnt many coping strategies to help me survive. [read more]. |
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| Mind the gap |
| It was quite shocking to realise that she was jealous of the drink. It had been like another woman who had taken her father away from her and left her and her mother penniless. [read more]. |
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| I have no visible scars |
| I felt like I was made up of pieces from other people – my mum, my step-dad, my brother, my grandparents, other people’s expectations. There was no me underneath it all, just an empty space. [read more] |
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| Working it out |
| Why do I say ‘yes’ when I mean to say ‘no’? How can I express my feelings – say what I mean and mean what I say? [read more]. |
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| If you wish to contribute your own experience, please contact
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