| As a small child I didn't really notice anything was up. I mean, I knew my Dad was bad tempered. Me and my mum used to have jokes about it, imitating him and such. But I never knew it was related to alcohol and it never really affected me. As I got older I started to worry about my parent's relationship. I knew they didn't get along and I was scared that they were going to get a divorce. I still didn't really notice that alcohol was a problem. For me the norm was to have a mass of empty bottles on our kitchen counter and on the floor. My Dad wasn't ever really abusive to me as a younger child, there were a few incidents and there was shouting. There was always shouting. I've always been terrified of shouting and I still am. I think that's down to my father, shouting at me and my brothers at the slightest thing. I still remember sitting in the corridor outside my room, listening to my parents yelling at each other. But even through threats, abuse and shouting I never knew alcohol was the problem. I started to notice when I was 12, almost 13. A new boy came to our school, he moved because his father had just died. His dad had "drunk himself to death" as he said, "he was an alcoholic" my best friend told me. I had heard the word before, surely, but never really pondered on it. I searched the word and read the definition. I asked my mum "yes, your dad's an alcoholic" she told me. For about a year I panicked. I was sure my Dad didn't have long left to live. I told him I was worried about his drinking "if you drink that much you'll die like ____'s dad" I told him. He told me that was only if you drank too much. Now I'm 14 and it's still going on, my parents aren't going to get a divorce anytime soon, my hallway is full with crates of delivered wine, but I've finally realised it's not my fault. Why would it be? I'm getting on with my life, I go out and enjoy myself. I'm not usually the kind of person who wants to talk. A social worker came round once about an incident "would you like to talk about it?" "No". I deal with things in my own way, I don't like being too dependent on others. I've talked to the boy whose father died, a couple of times and my best friend knows but that's it. I like to take my mind off things and cope. But I feel that I shouldn't have to. Ellie. | 
